Logies Liveblog 2011

1912: Champagne flavoured Easter eggs, dictaphone facsimile, desire to be doing anything else tonight, we're all set to go.

1919: Tonight better be good. I'm missing two awesome Japanese game shows for this.

1930: Hurry up, I want this to be over already.

1930: Fuck, there's still the freaking red carpet "special".

1931: I swear to God, I have no idea who most of the people in this lame credits montage are. And the ones I do know, I can't stand.

1931: Speaking of, here's Jules Lund!

1932: And Livinia Nixon and Shelley Craft, wearing the finest snotty Kleenex money can buy!

1932: Oh, the Myer pimping's starting early this time.

1933: 40 minutes, James Mathison? And even then, I'll still have to sit through Maroon 5 and Katy Perry? Fuck that shit.

1934: Natalie Gruzlewski, jaundiced lobster.

1934: Matt Preston. Which reminds me, I'm also missing Masterchef for this. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, TELEVISION.

1935: Talking to Maroon 5. I briefly switch over to watch Ninja Warrior for a little while.

1936: Pimping the Gold Logie nominees. Oy.

1937: Of COURSE they make a point of interviewing Karl Stefanovic first, while the lines are still open and everybody remembers the numbers.

1937: Wow, Jules has a fugly microphone.

1938: Oooh, Bindi Irwin in a montage. Wonder if the Glory Boys have gotten to her/it yet.

1938: Livinia, interviewing the two female trainers from The Biggest Loser, thinks this is the best season ever.

1939: Tiffiny Hall looks like the drag queen version of Ajay Rochester. Which is to say, she looks like Ajay Rochester. Michelle, on the other hand, looks like a giant bowtie.

1940: Firass Durani again. How is he nominated this year when he was also nominated for the same season of Underbelly last year?

1941: Shaun Micallef! Woo!

1942: Shane Bourne. Eh. Seems odd to interview the host right after someone who outshines him in almost every way.

1943: MYER!

1944: Carrie Bickmore's designer? Right colour, wrong person. And wrong outfit.

1944: No, I'm sorry, Rebecca Twigley/Judd/whatever has no reason to even be here, let alone be Best Dressed. Fuck off.

1948: Yeah, I'd like to throttle Stephen Curry too, Micallef.

1948: CHRISSIE! And of COURSE they have to conveniently make it look unprofessional by having a giant boom mic in the background.

1949: Imeediately after leaving the interview with Jules, Chrissie was heard demanding mouthwash.

1950: Nice to see Nine's graphics department is able to correctly spell Kerri-Anne's surname.

1950: Shut up, Scott Cam.

1951: The Block's coming to 7pm weeknights? Gee, there's a shocker. #winning?

1951: Roy and HG! Hello boys!

1951: The awards might be "fast approaching", Shelley, but they're still not fast enough.

1952: Interesting they're not pimping Karl outright, but the voting graphic with him on it is displayed for far longer than the other one.

1953: Hamish and Andy. Why are they famous, again?

1953: Oh, they've got a new show on Nine. Whatever.

1954: Interesting choice, interviewing a Best New Talent nominee while pointing out they've been to the Logies before.

1955: Eddie Perfect has the most apt name ever.

1955: He's 87 years old? Now I feel like a pervert. Even more than usual, I mean.

1956: Asher Keddie, who appears to be wearing the full-body equivalent of a Wonderbra.

1957: MYER! Time for more Ninja Warrior.

1957: Oh, it's finished. Damn.

1958: Wow, Gigi Edgley has not aged well since Farscape.

1958: No, seriously, Katy Perry. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT MONSTROSITY? It makes a Gaga gaffe look positively normal!

2000: I started the show with four bags of these alcoholic Easter eggs, and now there are just three eggs left. Note to self: Next year, mix own vodka.

2001: Hey, look, it's naked fat people! Yeah, I'll be back after checking out what game they're playing on Unbeatable Banzuke tonight.

2005: Andre Rieu? Isn't Katy Perry enough torture?

2006: Remove the support struts from your rack, Charlotte Dawson.

2007: As Molly walks past, I realise I'm eternally grateful Ruby Rose isn't doing the red carpet tonight.

2007: Katy Perry, playing the role of mid-1980's leprechaun.

2008: "We're gonna liven this *bleep* up." Why am I not surprised she has no class?

2009: Who is Sarah Snook?

2010: Go, Rebecca Gibney, not being drawn into the anti-Chrissie smear campaign!

2015: Jules Lund is only jealous because he doesn't have anyone with which to "get a room".

2016: 6 minutes and 30 seconds to the actual show. I'm not sure I'm going to make it sober.

2017: Jamie Durie also pimping his new show and dancing suggestively. WHERE IS GRANT BOWLER WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

2018: Melissa Bergland doesn't look bad. She's clearly in the wrong place.

2019: James, stop acting like it's a secret Manu's doing Dancing With The Stars.

2020: Interesting there's no men in these Best Dressed voting montages.

2021: No, Sonja Kruger, the dress slit's supposed to go on the side of the dress.

2021: MYER!

2021: I know it's hard to tell the difference, but of the two people on the screen needing subtitles, I don't think Rebecca Whatever is the one with facial hair.

2022: Of course I switch over to Banzuke again just in time to see Sam Pang in lederhosen. He'd probably win Best Dressed, with the standard of tonight's efforts.

2023: About fucking time.

2023: Opening with Katy Perry? Aaaaand back to Banzuke.

2026: All the dancing spotlights are there solely to distract from her clear miming, right? If only they were working.

2028: Fifteen minutes late and we haven't even really begun yet. We might as well have had Today Tonight as a lead-in.

2028: No, Shane, Katy Perry was not "good", or "spectacular".

2028: Eeeeee, John Foreman!

2029: This is the 53rd Logies. If they were to do one of those Most Wanted things where every Logies night is represented by a playing card, this is the one that gets left off. Even the one Gretel hosted is the Six of Clubs.

2030: More chefs in the audience than the kitchen. Heh.

2030: About time someone pointed out the irony of The Biggest Loser and Masterchef being on the same network. Bonus points for doing it on the only time this year they'll both air on the same night.

2031: Yes, because Shane Bourne frequently visits clothing stores for the morbidly obese.

2031: Mocking Kochie will never fail to make me laugh.

2033: Shane's also presenting the night's first award. Yay!

2034: What do elephants have to do with anything?

2034: Tahnee Atkinson's doing the award handing-out again this year, looking like one of those fabric doll things you put over loose toilet rolls. Not surprised.

2034: Most Popular New Male Talent. I don't remeber voting for any of these people.

2036: Firass Durani. Didn't he win this last year?

2037: Oh, look. Colonel Sanders believes in adoption.

2038: Whoa, hold on, wait a minute! This bandstand wa'n't doublebolted!

2039: Faustina Agolley and Andre Rieu? Odd match.

2039: Shut up, Andre.

2039: Most Popular New Female Talent. Ignoring the fact that she's not actually a New Talent at all, Chrissie Swan better win this in the absence of Lily Serna. Also, SBS needs to learn how to run a vote-rigging campaign.

2040: CHRISSIE!!!!!!!!

2041: "I swear, Andre, if I was 30 years older..." HA!

2042: The MYER! Minutes are back, complete with that haberdasher of asshattery Richard Wilkins. Great. (One of last year's "minutes" went for six, let's see how bad we do this year.)

2044: Did Natalie just deliberately fuck up Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation's name?

2044: Two minutes.

2045: Commercials. Someone kill me now.

2048: Actress Catherine McClements, presenting Most Popular Presenter. Ironic.

2049: Hee, she mispronounced "Stefanovic". I love her.

2050: Really, you picked Karl? Fuck you, Australia.

2051: SHUT UP, KARL.

2051: NO, REALLY.

2052: DON'T MAKE ME DUST OFF THE GRIM REAPER COSTUME.

2053: Shane Jacobsen and Megan Gale, presenting... little more than plugs for their own commercial ventures. ($20 says MYER! drops their sponsorship for next year's Logies, or bans Megan from presenting.) Also, Most Popular Drama.

2054: Home & Away and Neighbours are two nominees? Must have been a bad year.

2055: Six nominees? Huh.

2055: MYER!

2055: Rafters.

2055: Surprised Erik didn't steal an old speech like he was planning to do after Shaun Micallef did it last year.

2057: Awww, class at the Logies. Who'd'a thunk it?

2058: Of course Nine pimps Karl's win the first chance they get. Wankers.

2101: Must we revive the lame "Let's meet the Gold Logie nominees!" schtick?

2103: "I'm just going to have a couple of drinks!" "WARNING: EVERYONE PRESS RECORD!" Love. Him.

2104: I did not need to picture Shane Bourne in a G-string. Or a thong.

2104: Chrissie Swan, using the Logie for its only logical purpose: As a blunt object to assault people. Damn it, she better win the Gold.

2106: Adam Hills, presenting a "spontaneous" round of applause for Shane. Not fooling me.

2108: I also never thought I'd hear someone say the words "Thank God for Hey Hey It's Saturday."

2108: Most Popular Lifestyle Program: Better Homes & Gardens. Once again, we've narrowly avoided Dr. Harry stabbing someone with his cane.

2109: Johanna Griggs, mocking Karl. Damn it, now I have to pretend to forgive her for the over-enunciated "BAY-JING in CHI-NUH" speeches during the Olympics.

2111: "Andre Rieu: Arnold Schwarzenegger in drag. Just puttin' it out there." Adam needs to host next year.

2111: Most Popular Factual Program. Odds a show about Bondi will win: 40%

2112: Make that 100%. Damn it, why can't people get over Bondi Rescue already?

2112: Yeah, I'm getting the Reaper costume out after all. And here I thought I wouldn't need it between the red carpet arrivals and whichever version of The Footy Show is due to win the sports coverage Logie this year.

2114: They could have saved money by bringing up a couple of bogans from Dandenong to accept the award.

2114: Craig Reucassel and Chris Taylor, mocking Karl, the Queen, and Twitter.

2116: Most Popular Reality Show. Vote counting verified by Sarah Murdoch.

2117: Yeah, Craig, that would have been embarassing if you'd named the wrong winner. (Still, Australia's Next Top Model wasn't nominated, so make of that what you will.)

2118: Why is George wearing jeans to the Logies?

2119: Next: Hamish and Andy. What else is on right now?

2120: Two And A Half Men and Bones repeats. Odd they're not even trying, given the Logies are as popular as a syphilitic Hitler clone.

2122: "Please welcome 2011 Logie nominee Hamish Blake... and his friend." Ouch.

2123: Why is everyone trying to tell us Shane is the greatest thing to happen to the Logies since Wendy Harmer was fired as host?

2125: Noeline Brown can make even Hamish and Andy mildly entertaining.

2125: "All hail the Nine Network." Heh.

2126: Was Dance Academy even a show?

2127: Of course there's some showboaty gimmick to get Katy Perry on stage again.

2128: "I can barely forming sentences." Well, clearly.

2129: Nice to see someone told her the names of a few Australian shows. Shame Joan Rivers still seemed more intelligent.

2130: Most Popular Light Entertainment. Someone actually voted for Hey Hey? And Sunrise?

2131: The Circle! Happy dance! This bodes well for stopping the Gold Logie's reputation to be sullied by association with Karl.

2132: I realise the Gold Logie has to actually have a good reputation to avoid being sullied. It's called irony, people.

2133: I'm willing to bet Yumi's "Choose JOY!" comment was a direct result of the same wonderful people who compared The Circle to an STI last year. (They're on Twitter, follow @jamesfindlay and @nathvalvo. Also follow me @NewsAtEleven.) (What, it's not like there's no shameless product placement on this awards show. MYER!)

2134: Is it too late to put Denise Drysdale in the Hall Of Fame?

2134: MYE... Wait, RED ROOSTER! Did they drop their sponsorship already?

2136: Bored now. Time for bad Glee slashfic.

2137: Three minutes.

2141: I leave Blaine and Karofsky for a few minutes to learn that Shane is busy pretending to care about the stars of Packed To The Rafters.

2143: Roy and HG, presenting the two sports categories. Naturally.

2145: Most Outstanding Sports Show.

2145: Of course they mock the NRL Footy Show for always winning, then wind up giving it to the AFL version.

2146: Someone throw the Big Balls at James Brayshaw.

2147: Most Outstanding Sports Coverage. Same events as every Commonwealth Games year: Commonwealth Games, Ashes, State of Origin, Melbourne Cup, AFL Grand Final. The other usual nominee, Bathurst, misses out. Oh, well.

2149: Ashes. Seriously, do we have any TV presenters in this country who didn't come in through a backdoor any more?

2152: First South African to accept a Logie, I believe.

2153: And both sports winners also get congratulatory ads.

2157: Shane introducing the In Memoriam bit. Let's see who gets forgotten this year.

2158: Yes, that's right, Tripod and Eddie Perfect are a classy choice for this.

2200: Couldn't they have found a better pic for Adriana Xenides? I don't remember her ever being a Survivor contestant.

2201: Number of people I recognised: 6. Hmm, higher than usual. (Alternatively, it means I'm closer to dying.)

2206: Karl's actually presenting as well? Fuck this shit.

2207: Outstanding News Coverage. Wow, this was a bad year for coverage, if Kochie's work with the NZ mine disaster is nominated.

2208: And the winner.

2211: Outstanding Current Affairs Coverage. How current is the Hey Dad story, anyway? Surely not recent enough to qualify. (But then again, half the cast was nominated for Best New Talent this year.)

2213: I wasn't actually paying attention. Who won?

2214: Jana Wendt, doing the Hall Of Fame. Don't they usually give these people their own segment.

2215: Laurie Oakes. Suck it, that guy from Channel Seven whose name I don't care to remember!

2217: Howard, Abbott, Rudd, Gillard, and Beazley all congratulating him? Don't they have anything better to pretend to do?

2218: At least Kerry O'Brien's wearing clothes this time.

2220: Why is Julie from Masterchef sitting next to the sports guy from Today?

2221: Journalism is a lot like crack cocaine. That's why so many of my tweets could easily be hashtagged #journalust.

2224: It appears Laurie Oakes has adapted his "TV makes journalism more interesting" approach to his autobiography.

2225: Next: Maroon 5.

2226: Okay, the Laurie Oakes congratulatory ad isn't nearly as annoying and presumptuous as the rest.

2229: Fuck off, Richard Wilkins.

2231: And Maroon 5.

2233: MYER!

2235: Best Dressed celebrity isn't a TV star. Wish I was surprised.

2236: Just short of three minutes.

2239: Shane Bourne, still pretending his career hasn't gone down the drain after hosting this dreck.

2239: Awww, that was a mouth organ joke worthy of Craig Ferguson.

2241: No, we don't need a blues riff right now. Or this entire segment.

2242: Jamie Durie and Sarah Murdoch. Most Outstanding Factual Program.

2243: Wow, Jamie's tiny. At least, the parts we can see while he's fully clothed.

2244: I watched precisely none of these nominees.

2245: The Trishna and Krishna doco won. Or something.

2247: Having the TV Week logo underneath the Logie to be shown when people lift it up in celebration is completely shameless and offensive. And kind of clever.

2248: Chris Lilley, presenting the Graham Kennedy Award (aka Most Outstanding New Talent).

2249: Firass Durani again. Turns out eight of the eleven secret herbs and spices can be found in his hair gel.

2253: This Mother's Day, nothing says "I love you, modern women" like a sewing machine. Fuck you, Janome.

2254: Shaun Micallef is indeed a National Treasure, announcer guy.

2255: Heh, I love when people mock the categories they're presenting.

2256: Hugh Sheridan is the Most Popular Male Actress. Thank God Shaun qualified this by pointing out it wasn't for the best actor. Because really? Not really.

2258: "I think I speak for everyone in the entertainment industry when I say thank God we no longer live in the age of Shakespeare." I want that on a shirt.

2259: Asher Keddie is the Most Popular Female Actor.

2300: Why ith the thtill doing the Ita Buttrothe lithp?

2302: MYE... JENNY CRAIG! And RED ROOSTER! on the same night? Odd.

2303: SHUT UP, EVERYBODY ON MY TV SCREEN.

2305: Three minutes.

2307: I have no idea who this Jessie J person is supposed to be. Or why she looks like a bad Cher impersonator. (Channel surfing during the commercial breaks has shown me that Josh Groban is currently performing on ABC2, so *makes hand-weighing motion*. At least it's not Andre Rieu.)

2309: So much for the skills Luke Jacobz got on Dancing With The Stars.

2310: I suspect if it wasn't about the money, this woman (?) would not be performing right now.

2311: MYE... RED ROOSTER! Karl and Richard Wilkins on TV at the same time? Groban wins... barely.

2312: Damn, he's done already.

2312: Don't worry, Karl, I won't be watching Today tomorrow.

2313: Two minutes. Huh.

2316: Rachel Griffiths, with a list of award nominations big enough to well and truly point out how stupid and useless the Logies actually are.

2318: Centrelink mockery at the Logies. Pot, meet kettle.

2320: Outstanding Drama Series Or Variant Thereof.

2322: Whichever Underbelly series was on last year wins. Yawn.

2324: Kerry Packer and Ita Buttrose, or their miniseries equivalents, presenting Outstanding Light Entertainment.

2326: Spicks & Specks finally winning its first Logie. (This now means all six Gold Logie nominees have been involved in award wins tonight.)

2328: "'I carried those slackers.' [...] Nope, this is the right speech. 'This was truly a team effort.'" Yep, we're in the Australian TV industry.

2329: Thanking Rockwiz? Classy.

2333: Yeah, we're not getting the last three awards of the night done in 40 seconds. Especially when we're still in the middle of a commercial. I better be getting paid overtime for this.

2333: Richard Roxburgh and Lisa McCune, doing Most Outstanding Female Actor.

2334: The clips showing these nominees' talents are really going to help us finish this show on time.

2236: Okay, who actually watched this Sisters Of War show?

2236: Winner: Claire Van Der Boom, for said Sisters of War. And she's the first person tonight to send a proxy to get the award for her. I would also do that, and not necessarily because I'm living it up in Argentina.

2238: Deborah Mailman and Stephen Curry, doing Most Outstanding Male Actress.

2238: I agree with Deborah. Stephen is a wanker.

2341: From an actor playing a former Prime Minister to an actor in a dog costume in the same category. Yep, it's the Logies.

2342: Damn, Richard Roxburgh is wonderfully hilarious.

2343: Next: The moment we've all been waiting for. The end.

2346: Great, Nine's pushed their schedule back to account for the overrun... and it's still going to run over THAT schedule.

2347: Presenting the Gold Logie: Shane Bourne. Couldn't they find someone with suitable credibility?

2348: WHAT THE FUCK. (I choose to take my computer randomly highlighting the word "wanker" above as an omen.)

2350: SHUT UP, KARL.

2351: Heh, Yumi Stynes in the background couldn't look more disappointed in the Australian public. I agree with her.

2352: Again: SHUT UP, KARL.

2353: It can't be said enough: SHUT UP, KARL.

2354: Next year: Kochie vows revenge.

2355: Thank fuck that's over. Also: SHUT UP, KARL.

2357: It's depressing to realise that people I started uni with just over three years ago are now working on the Logies. (Though I personally like the guy in question, you may add your own snarky comment about having the equivalent of a work-experience kid working on the biggest event in Australian television.)