6:36pm. Oh, look. The Logies are on tonight. Time to dust off the old recapping skills. Assuming I still have any left after all these months with no writing. Logies livecap, here we come!
7:24pm. Karl and Lisa are hosting the red carpet arrivals? Good. As long as it isn’t Richard fucking Wilkins.
7:29pm. Here we go.
7:30pm. How the fuck is Ruby Rose famous, and why do we care what she’s wearing? (Actually, that goes for much of the Australian television industry.)
7:30pm. MYER!
7:31pm. Lisa has a dress with pockets. Clever.
7:31pm. Ew. Jules Lund.
7:32pm. Oh, Jules. Even a Wikipedia hacker wouldn’t be stupid enough to lie about someone playing a ukulele-strumming lesbian.
7:32pm. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. Why would you go with the Bea Arthur hairdo?
7:33pm. Firass Durani was once a Power Ranger? Awesome. But I’d still feel oddly weird tracking down some of his episodes just to see him in lycra. Especially when I can probably just hold out a few weeks and see him full frontal on Underbelly.
7:33pm. Gabriella Cilmi really needs to be told that she can't recycle her Year 11 Formal dress for an occasion like this.
7:34pm. Were it not for those freaking shoulder pads, Kerri-Anne would have almost made up for one of her several past wardrobe disasters.
7:36pm. Matt Preston’s second mouth will be nominated for Best New Talent next year.
7:36pm. From Australia’s Next Top Model winner to Logies trophy girl? Ouch.
7:37pm. Danni Minogue’s boyfriend may be the only person alive with a speaking voice more unattractive than Richard Reid’s.
7:37pm. Sigrid Thornton. Blecch. Hideous.
7:38pm. MYER!
7:39pm. Love how they couldn’t even be bothered spelling Kerri-Anne’s surname on the Best Dressed graphic.
7:39pm. Isn’t it cliché for Rhonda Burchmore to wear red to an awards night by now?
7:39pm. Bonnie Lythgoe has got to stop Bedazzling potato sacks.
7:43pm. MONKEY! (...No, wait, that’s just Johnny Galecki.)
7:44pm. Did Johnny just respond to Karl telling him “in bed early” with “you too”? LOVE!
7:45pm. It takes a lot to make background people the most attractive on the screen, but Ruby and Molly Meldrum have managed it.
7:46pm. Jules looks ridiculously tall compared to Poh. Also, Poh? Spaghetti straps Do. Not. Work.
7:47pm. Kerri-Anne and Ruby had a thing in the loos last year? It’s official, Ruby is the new Molly.
7:48pm. Jules, shut up. Hamish and Andy are even less deserving of the Nobel Peace Prize than Barack Obama was.
7:49pm. Note to Channel Nine: When talking about how all the stars are swarming the red carpet, it might not be a good idea to have the near-empty red carpet in the background.
7:50pm. Oh, Myf. You’re trying to live down last year’s monstrosity, and you go with POLKA DOTS?!
7:50pm. Livinia never fails to look beautiful.
7:51pm. Shaun Micallef! If only there was a special episode of Your Gen tonight, they could have used red carpet eyesores for a round of iChronoloco!, and called it iChronologie!.
7:52pm. Scott Cam? Not interested. And not interesting, which is helpful.
7:52pm. Peter Helliar’s face matches the carpet.
7:54pm. MYER!
7:54pm. Nice to finally see Neighbours stars treat the Logies with some dignity. We’ve come a long way since Harold rapping.
7:59pm. Andrew Hansen and Julian Morrow, with Karl? This should be interesting.
8:00pm. Not so much.
8:01pm. Jules Lund is nominated? Ew.
8:01pm. MYER!
8:02pm. Tasma Walton has given the words “getting your trashbag on” new meaning.
8:03pm. Shut up, Rove.
8:03pm. Jules is with Kat Stewart and Justine Clarke. One is an overrated untalented bore, but dressed well, the other is an underrated overtalented actress, but dressed like a whore. And Kat Stewart is also there.
8:04pm. k.d. lang is singing Hallelujah again?! Does she even have any other songs? It’s a big step up from Susan Boyle, but not enough, to be honest.
8:05pm. She thought about buying Pauline Hanson’s house? She’s definitely not Aussie. (And would Pauline have even considered it? Though she isn’t Asian, k.d. probably ticks off about thirty of Pauline’s other Bad People criteria.)
8:09pm. MYER!
8:10pm. Who is Yumi Stynes? Looks good, though.
8:10pm. Zed oh emm gee, Jane Hall. Amazing.
8:10pm. Paul McDermott really needs a team of writers in order to be entertaining.
8:11pm. Jessica Marais appears to have had her dress tattooed on.
8:12pm. Wil Anderson cracks me up, even when he’s not being too funny. (Note to self: Next year, plagiarise from his Twitter feed.)
8:13pm. MYER!
8:13pm. For someone who’s only famous because of one of these red carpet events, Rebecca Twigley really needs to learn what she’s doing.
8:15pm. Hooray! The real show!
8:16pm. Nice to see Gabriella Cilmi is mourning Big Brother’s first year of not being nominated in almost a decade by using a rejected Diary Room chair in her performance.
8:17pm. Woo! Hot men! Aside from that, though, this whole performance is torture.
8:18pm. Fireworks! If only one of them would accidentally fly in the general direction of Kochie…
8:19pm. Credits.
8:20pm. Yay, Bert! But how the fuck was Mick Molloy let through security?
8:21pm. It might be his nineteenth time, but Bert Newton really needs to do this more often.
8:21pm. Hee, Bert thinks we’re lucky he’s not hosting from heaven. Compared to last year’s heaven sketch, this really is heaven. Heaven!
8:23pm. Is this the first time Channel 31’s been mentioned in the Logies monologue? About time.
8:24pm. Bert really doesn’t care about Tahnee Atkinson. HA!
8:25pm. “Sam Newman is not the casting director of Neighbours”. Home And Away is another matter, of course.
8:26pm. Most Popular Presenter. Blond women and stand-up comedians. I’ve got this sewn up, after my sex change and hairdresser’s appointment!
8:27pm. Congratulations, Shaun Micallef! Aaaand we’re taking the piss out of victory speeches already. Awesome.
8:29pm. Claudia Karvan and Samuel Johnson, presenting The Secret Life Of Australia’s Most Popular Drama Series.
8:30pm. Shut up, Sam. Even Claudia (who looks like Kristina Keneally tonight, because politicians are just great at being fashionable, and if you disagree, Steve Fielding will cut you) can’t believe him.
8:32pm. Congratulations, Packed To The Rafters! And quit bitching about not being smart enough to download your own speech, Erik.
8:33pm. How is Erik’s tie on such an angle? Was he trying to pee from his nipples?
8:34pm. MYER!
8:35pm. To paraphrase from Brian McFadden (I know), why don’t you just fuck off back to New Zealand, Richard Wilkins?
8:40pm. Kat Stewart and Asher Keddie, presenting Most Popular Actor, and claiming the Oh, How Embarrassing! Award For Identical Dresses while they’re at it.
8:41pm. All Channel Seven guys? Hardly seems fair, but whatever. Congratulations, Hugh Sheridan! If he’s not gay and fucking a jockey to get his suit looking that silky, I’ll be shocked. And if he’s just broken up with the jockey, he can use the Logie to pleasure himself.
8:42pm. Natalie Bassingthwaite, presenting Most Popular Factual Program, also known as Most Popular Repetitive Documentary.
8:43pm. Congratulations, Bondi Rescue! Ever wanted to know what the five comedians nominated for the Gold Logie would look like with severe facial injuries? Just look at these guys.
8:45pm. She’s also doing Most Popular Lifestyle Program, also known as Most Popular Non-Repetitive Documentary. Even she’s surprised Top Gear Australia is nominated. Heh.
8:47pm. Congratulations, Better Homes And Gardens! But since I still haven’t forgiven Johanna Griggs for all those BAY! JING! In CHI! NUH! Comments during the Olympics, I’m not going to pay attention.
8:48pm. I’m nominating Dr. Harry for Best Dressed.
8:53pm. Can’t we get away from Ruby? She and Luke Jacobz (hot and hilarious, still, after all these years) are doing Most Popular Reality Show.
8:54pm. Ruby, the show was watched by FOUR MILLION PEOPLE. It’s not exactly a situation where you can draw out the suspense without sounding like a massive tool. But knowing this would require some sort of self-awareness, so here we are.
8:54pm. Congratulations, Masterchef Australia! Apparently, Matt Preston ate everybody else who was even remotely involved with the show. Except for Julie.
8:56pm. Kristian Schmidt and Damian Walshe-Howling. Most Popular “Female Actor”, despite the graphics using “Actress”.
8:57pm. Congratulations, Rebecca Gibney!
8:58pm. I did not need to know about her menstrual cycle.
8:59pm. After the break: k.d. lang.
9:04pm. Montreal hosted a games of some kind recently? The Quebec separatists will be pleased to learn about this.
9:05pm. When she sings, k.d. lang always looks so drunk she’s about to collapse.
9:07pm. It’s a good thing “our love is not a victory march”, because watching her perform this song AGAIN is beginning to feel a bit like a death march.
9:10pm. No. No standing ovation.
9:11pm. Apparently, Eddie was too busy bending over backwards trying to apologise to Johnny Weir to say “Vancouver” every six seconds. Oh well.
9:12pm. Piano Guy could have dressed up for the occasion.
9:12pm. Bert, I don’t think she’s interested in marrying Piano Guy.
9:13pm. “Here’s Moira”. And with that, this year’s Logies immediately pwns the hell out of last year’s, although I would like some actual sketches.
9:13pm. Why does my computer recognise “pwns” as a word?
9:13pm. MYER!
9:16pm. This is one hell of a long “Myer Minute”.
9:20pm. “There’s only one footy show”, commercials? The four-minute Myer Minute would beg to differ.
9:21pm. Shane Bourne, presenting Most Outstanding Factual Program.
9:21pm. Just get on with it, Shane.
9:22pm. Oh, please. No way Last Chance Saloon was watched by enough people for a round of applause that big. Law And Disorder, too.
9:23pm. Congratulations, Law And Disorder! Typical boring SBS acceptance speeches. This is what happens when they appear on commercial television.
9:25pm. Shaun Micallef again, presenting Most Outstanding Children’s Program.
9:26pm. Congratulations, My Place! I believe it’s ABC3’s first ever Logie, right? Cool. (Next year, Larry Hagman’s work on I Dream Of Jeannie will win him Best New Male Talent for GO!)
9:28pm. Wilfred and the Commando, presenting Most Popular Sports Program. Naturally.
9:29pm. Apparently, the Commando wishes he was licking balls. Well then.
9:30pm. Congratulations, NRL Footy Show! Of course, Channel Nine will revoke their Logies in a few years because the show’s been going over-budget, but whatever.
9:31pm. I would like to know what the hell Wendell Sailor (that’s him, right?) did to the Commando to get a laugh that big.
9:33pm. After the break: John Mayer.
9:36pm. John Mayer’s busy Twittering, so here’s Don Lane’s son! Eat it!
9:39pm. Maria Venuti, looking like a bad drag queen. Some things never change.
9:40pm. Other people died in the last year?
9:41pm. I always feel bad for the people who don’t get much applause. Then I remember they’re not currently in the position to care, and all is well in the world.
9:43pm. This is really the worst possible cover of Time After Time in creation, unless there’s a Ricki-Lee Coulter performance floating around somewhere. And I’m not sure I want to look.
9:48pm. Adam Hills. Most Outstanding New Talent, Graham Kennedy Variation.
9:49pm. That poor microphone operator, just wanted to get his job done in peace, and now he’s going to wind up on Youtube.
9:50pm. It’s the only time a fat British guy, a little kid, and someone playing a prostitute will ever be able to compete against each other without somebody getting arrested.
9:50pm. Congratulations, Matt Preston!
9:52pm. Vince Colosimo and “the host of Kerri-Anne”, presenting Most Popular Light Entertainment.
9:54pm. The world needs more lecherous Italian stereotypes on television.
9:54pm. Deal Or No Deal counts as entertainment? And Sunrise? Last I heard, they’re both considered alternatives to waterboarding in Iraq now.
9:55pm. Congratulations, Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation! The thank you speech in just 27 seconds.
9:56pm. After the break: John Mayer. No, really. For real this time!
10:00pm. Richard Wilkins? Fuck that shit. I’m getting a snack.
10:06pm. MYER!
10:07pm. This toasted sandwich is much hotter than many of the people in that room. And about ninety-nine per cent less cheesy.
10:11pm. Jennifer Byrne, presenting Most Oustanding News Coverage.
10:12pm. Congratulations, Victorian bushfires! You just helped Seven News win a Logie! (Brian Naylor could not be reached for comment.)
10:14pm. Dear Jennifer Keyte: That dress makes you look anorexic.
10:16pm. You know how Bert was going on about television Moments about an hour ago, when k.d. land was performing? Norm Beaman accepting this award is one of those Moments.
10:17pm. Jennifer Byrne, also presenting Most Outstanding Public Affairs Report.
10:18pm. Seems appropriate that Today Tonight wasn’t nominated.
10:19pm. Congratulations, Four Corners!
10:21pm. Hee, Channel Nine mockery! Snarking on underperformance never stops being old.
10:22pm. Hall of Fame. I feel so horrible for mentioning Brian Naylor now. Oops.
10:23pm. I swear, Bert Newton is the only person who ever uses the word “compere” any more.
10:25pm. Mal Walden, Peter Mitchell, and Peter Hitchener, all together? I feel like the world is going to implode on itself unless I start channel surfing. I wonder what Dutch porno SBS has on tonight.
10:27pm. Awww, I wish I was riding on a rainbow.
10:29pm. You know, I’m trying to think who the other posthumous inductee was, and I just can’t work it out. The closest I’m coming is Ruth Cracknell, but I’m pretty sure she was still alive for hers. Anyone? (EDIT: Maurie! Thanks, Wikipedia!)
10:34pm. A skit scored to Spandau Ballet? That was unexpected. Aside from the noticeable absence of horrendously uncomfortable “Let’s Get To Know The Nominees!” interviews throughout the night.
10:35pm. Michael Slater and Glenn McGrath? No. No. None of this. None. Of. This.
10:36pm. Most Outstanding Sports Coverage.
10:37pm. Congratulations, non-MYER! product placement! And also Channel Seven’s Bathurst coverage, apparently. Not like it matters.
10:39pm. Molly Meldrum and John Mayer. Fuck. I thought I missed out on all the annoying Johnny Depp wannabes and sexually transmitted presenters.
10:39pm. Shut up, Molly, and go find some poor drunk to sleep with. Or just present Most Popular New Talent, Non-Vagina Division (Presumably).
10:41pm. No, really, Molly. Shut up. Nobody else cares about the Storm, and we certainly don’t need you randomly interrupting an awards night to bitch some more.
10:42pm. Congratulations (eventually), Luke Mitchell!
10:43pm. Shut up, John, and go find some poor drunk to sleep with. Or just present Most Popular New Talent, Non-Penis Division (Presumably).
10:44pm. How the FUCK did Carrie Bickmore win this award when (1) she’s not a new talent, and (2) her show isn’t popular? I swear, if Nine repeated Australian Survivor after Knob died last year, he’d probably have been nominated.
10:46pm. “Good evening, I’m Carrie Bickmore, and the rash is clearing up nicely.” Unfortunately, the virus is still polluting our television screens.
10:50pm. Rogue Traders. Yawn. Was John Farnham busy doing another comeback concert or something?
10:52pm. I wonder what Natalie Bassingthwaite’s thinking at the moment.
10:54pm. MYER!
10:54pm. Congratulations, Livinia Nixon! You’re the Least Hideously Dressed Woman!
10:55pm. And congratulations, Random Home Viewer!
10:56pm. “You’re a strange woman with weird eyesight!” Go, Matt Preston!
10:57pm. State of Origin in 3D? Pass. State of Origin in X-Ray? I’d give that a try.
11:01pm. Charlotte Dawson and Dieter Brummer, whoever he is, are presenting Most Outstanding Comedy.
11:02pm. Wow, it was a good year for Aussie comedy for once. (We’ll just ignore any mention of the words “Hey, Dad” for now, shall we? Good.)
11:03pm. Congratulations, Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation! Again!
11:04pm. Roseanne Barr is doing Shaun Micallef’s role in the American version? Trust them to fuck it up.
11:05pm. Yvonne Strahovski and Johnny Galecki, here as our annual reminder that as good as Australian television has been over the past year, American television is just that little bit better.
11:07pm. What was the category? I was distracted by Johnny’s bad hairdo.
11:09pm. Most Outstanding Drama, Miniseries, Or Telemovie, riiiiiight.
11:09pm. Congratuations, East West 101! It’s official, SBS has now won more Logies tonight than Channel Nine. Go, competent broadcasting! And, of course, since Channel Nine’s entire programming schedule for this year seems to be Survivor, Top Gear “special episodes”, and repeats of Two And A Half Men and The Big Bang Theory, that doesn’t look like it’s going to change again next year.
11:15pm. Sigrid Thornton and John Waters are presenting the Most Outstanding Actor and Most Outstanding Actress. Not in that order, of course, because alphabetical order sucks and should be avoided at all cost.
11:18pm. John Waters’ suit designer has apparently taken his surname literally. I don’t think I’ve ever been seasick looking at a tuxedo before. Dresses? Sure. Southern Cross train station? Absolutely. But a tux? No.
11:18pm. Congratulations, Claudia Karvan!
11:19pm. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Feels good, don’t it, Claudia?
11:22pm. Congratulations, Don Hany! And Nine can’t even win a Logie when its for someone from another channel now. Ouch.
11:25pm. You know, we’re almost at the end now, and nobody’s been given the You’re Taking Too Long, Get The Fuck Off The Stage music tonight. First awards show ever!
11:28pm. Bert’s presenting the Gold Logie, too. “This is the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The end of the show”, indeed.
11:29pm. Ooooh, I hope it’s a tie.
11:30pm. Congratulations, Ray Meagher! That was a bit of a surprise, to be honest. Did everyone vote for him out of sympathy after Harold lost last year?
11:31pm. Ray Meagher using a horse racing slang term reminds me that he sounds exactly like a racecaller.
11:35pm. See, Molly? That’s how you make a salary cap joke.
11:37pm. Oooh, glitter! I'm sure there's a punchline here that doesn't involve Bob Downe, but I'm going to need some booze to get at it.
11:39pm. Did Andrew O’Keefe really eat an ornamental flower? Tool.
11:41pm. It seems fitting that the last shot of the show is of Ray Meagher checking his watch. (And only eleven minutes over!)
Next year: Bindi Irwin pashes Justin Bieber. Thousands of tweenage girls attempt suicide with plastic scissors, thousands of tweenage boys breathe a sigh of relief.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
A Bunch Of Files
Okay, so. Linking these here so I don't have to keep logging into WordPress to find the links.
The Survivor Challenge List, Version 2 (incomplete -- China, Micronesia, Gabon, Tocantins, Samoa, Santa Carolina (South Africa) and Heroes Vs. Villains only)
The pitch for my online series.
And the draft script for the pilot, which still needs severe work.
The Survivor Challenge List, Version 2 (incomplete -- China, Micronesia, Gabon, Tocantins, Samoa, Santa Carolina (South Africa) and Heroes Vs. Villains only)
The pitch for my online series.
And the draft script for the pilot, which still needs severe work.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
13 Thoughts From And Things About My Final Week As A Teenager
1. It's also the first week back at university. If that isn't a sign that I should probably, you know, start being more mature, I don't know what is. But apparently some sarcastic deity is pissed off about me accidentally causing the death of Michael Jackson or something, and has decided that my mother needs to fight cancer. Again. You know what? I'm sick of being the nice (or, rather, "nice") guy who always winds up with nothing. The world has made The List.
2. Why are there now enough bread rolls in my kitchen to feed a small Central American country? Are we collecting for Haiti?
3. Fun: Being only a few kilometres away from the suburb with the most damage from the largest hailstorm in our region in a century and having our house not get damaged at all. Less fun: Being woken up at 4am the next morning by a damp-loving centipede (or whatever it is) trying to crawl up my nose.
4. Monkey!
5. So, the way the bus stop down the end of my street is set up, I can either sit on the seat and wait for the bus to eventually turn up (it's already fifteen minutes late), getting blinded by the sunlight, or I can avoid it by going shin-deep in the mud that's now behind the crappy advertisement board thingy? Oh, joy. After experiencing that, I am officially more deserving of a million dollars than Cassandra was in Survivor: Fiji.
6. I swear, the newbies at Deakin get hotter every year. It's like an armada of pretty people, and I'm single oversized flamer here to ruin the invasion. Speaking of, is there something about me that just screams "Cancel our non-date thing without telling me!" This past summer, it's gotten to the point I could reach Fat Elvis proportions, and nobody would ever know, because they wouldn't turn up to discover it.
7. Whose dumb idea was it to make a class on the very first day back -- a public holiday, to boot -- take an excursion into the city? Especially without organising a bus or something for people to be able to get there? And especially when the people who then wind up carpooling in cramped cars have to go down a street that's blocked off for the Moomba parade to get where they need to go? And with only three days notice?
8. I have Shaun Micallef's French version of the What's A Doodle Do? song from Talkin' 'Bout Your Generation stuck in my head. Le damn.
9. And here I thought Connex was incompetent. Turns out when it was railroaded out of town, the train wasn't only delayed like it would have been if they were in charge, it was cancelled. And so were the 578 after it. (In related news, "metrosexuals" have now changed their lame nickname of choice to "fauxmosexuals".)
10. Oooh! 21 Jump Street! Hey, remember when Johnny Depp wasn't a crazy nutbag in everything he did? Remember when Brad Pitt was able to guest star without it being a big deal for anyone except his own mother? Remember when Pauly Shore was still doing stuff? Yeah, me neither. Let's pretend to watch! Or we could watch something else instead, because my random Thomas Dekker lust knows no bounds. Aside from that little thing called the Pacific Ocean.
11. I should make a joke about having to watch the movie Peeping Tom in a lecture, but I like to work for the chance to make a joke (unlike, say, Eddie McGuire or Dave Hughes), so no dice.
12. It seems an appropriate tribute to my generation that my last day as a teenager was spent doing sweet fuckall.
13. I know it's only the first week back and we haven't organised our weekly Queer Beer thing yet, but I feel like I missed out on seeing a bunch of people. Sigh. So, you know, if you see me at uni, come say hi. It's not like I'll be using the time to do some actual classwork or anything.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
27 Things About Prison Bitches (Australian Survivor 2x03)
1. I'm going to start this blog the same way I started recapping as a hobby (as opposed to just being a part-time distraction), by trawling my way through Australian Survivor. But, since I'm already done with that, I'm going to finish off Celebrity Survivor, which I was partially through. If you haven't already read them, the non-celebrity version is completely covered, and the first two episodes of Celebrity Survivor are covered, right here.
2. Previously: Amber wanted food so badly that she decided to see if she could whine and whine for as long as it took for the producers to have pity on The Poor Celebrities and give them some. The rest of Mofo shared her sentiments, but not necessarily her methods. Hornebags, for example, decided to try and conjure up some actual melons as opposed to the synthetic ones she's stuffed into her bikini. Imogen was hearing voices in her head, and those voices were telling her to do different things than the voices in her loins were. At Cockula, jaunty island music announced the transition from "rats" to bitches. The least bitchy member of the tribe also happened to be the hottest tribe member, as well as the one most likely to not wind up impersonating a sun-dried tomato at the end of this. The Leech learned that the jungle actually does have items you could use to help you avoid, you know, dying a grisly and entertaining death. Turns out cavemen weren't magic after all. Who knew? Cockula had a lovely bunch of coconuts, but they also had nuts in their minds, and so wound up winning fruit but losing Immunity. Mofo almost wished they weren't suddenly so good at not sucking, because they wanted to vote out Hornebags. Gee, I wonder if the fact that nobody likes Hornebags is going to be relevant this week. At Cockula, the two main contenders for First Off The Sinking Ship were the Token Piece Of Eye-Candy and the Strong Smart Guy Who Could Win Almost Any Challenge Single-Handed. Unsurprisingly, because they're "celebrities" and not strategists, they voted off the guy who made them all look merely incompetent at things involving survival skills, rather than the one who made them look like a bunch of dumb horny frat boys. Ten vaguely human-shaped organisms are left. Who will be voted out... TONIGHT?
3. I'm not sure why Hornebags thinks storing the fruit from the last reward anywhere else (as opposed to the bag they came in) was supposed to be a safeguard against getting them attacked by fruit flies. I would have thought the bag was at least offering a layer of protection. But then again, if I actually were able to spend enough time to find any sense in one of Hornebags' pointless arguments, the world would probably implode on itself, so.
4. Hey, editors? Don't need the concept of "Oldfart is climbing a tree" to be shown with a shot from directly below, giving the impression we can see up his shorts. Just... ew. Oldfart confessionals, shorts safely below the bottom of the frame, that Cockula doesn't need a leader to be successful. No wonder he works in New South Wales state politics. Back out in the jungle, Oldfart shakes the tree so hard a coconut falls out and conks ManNan on the head. I suspect it's not the first time ManNan's head has had physical contact with a nut, but that may just be projecting. ManNan, Gab, and the Leech all laugh at his total inability to move out of the way of flying nuts.
5. Gab tells us that Cockula is "a really strong tribe" and is "capable of winning all the challenges". Aside from that one they just lost, I guess. She knows that "each person on the team" has got something they're good at, but she's still trying to find hers. I know, I know! Her special talent is being far less irritating than anyone else on her godforsaken tribe! It's certainly not chopping coconuts, from what we see. Or perhaps it's the ability to publicly embarrass people for "having a slash" on a beach in front of some cameras. Nah, it can't be that. The Leech is already doing a fine job of making a laughingstock of himself. Also, GROSS.
6. I know how the yawning lizard feels.
7. Hornebags provides a confessional, trying to explain where in her decision making process she made the leap from "everyone hates me" to "time for naked sunbathing!" She strips off and sits inside a small pond. It's wrong of me to hope that pond has flesh-eating bacteria in it, right? Okay, I won't. Much. It certainly does look pretty stagnant, though. More blabbering about how the act of getting nude on camera is a spiritual thing and not just some excuse to get more screentime, and WHATEVER. If I wasn't already gay enough as it was, that would have just pushed me over the borderline. (Bor-derliiine!)
8. You know what the best thing about not doing full recaps for this show is? I don't feel obliged to recap the treemail. Or the bit where the tribes can't figure out what the challenge is going to entail, even when it's pointed out so blatantly in the clue that I'm surprised there aren't little flashing neon lights wired into the plank of wood with the message on it. But anyway, the challenge is that one where you put something on one side of a seesaw and stomp on the other side to catapult it into the basket on top of you. Dicko calls it "The Basket Stomp", which is officially the least imaginative name since The Baby-Sitters Club was popular. Mofo have decided to come in war paint as a show of tribal unity. Which is convenient, because the Cowboys and Injuns (as Dicko put it) are about to be shuffled.
9. Also convenient? Justin and Gab both managing to avoid elimination in the first two episodes so they can choose their new tribes. It's one of those "choose someone of the other sex" deals, but this time Justin and Gab will do all the choosing, as opposed to each person picked choosing the next one. I like the other way better, but not by much. Justin does the smart thing and gives himself an out if his new tribe (let's call them MoFaux) loses, by picking Hornebags first. Long story short, MoFaux has Justin, Hornebags, ManNan, Amber, and Oldfart, while Shockula has the other losers. By which I mean Gab, the Leech, Nicolle, Wayne, and Imogen. Boy, it's hard to choose which tribe I dislike least. In theory, Shockula's only crime is having the two men, but then ManNan and Amber are stuck on a tribe with three irritating twats, so it sort of balances out. They are fairly evenly matched skillwise, though, which is a vast improvement on how it could have gone. Imagine how different this would be had some of these people been separated differently. Go ahead. It's not going to wind up looking this even on paper if Oldfart and the Leech switched positions, is it? And we came that close to this being another blowout. I think the onomatopoeia I'm looking for is "Phew".
10. The challenge itself is so dull that the most interesting aspects are Dicko deciding to re-welcome everyone to The Basket Stomp, as though they'd all been concussed after a nasty crash at the Whistler Sliding Centre (which, by the way, will now be remembered as part of the most awkwardly uncomfortable Amazing Race prize holiday ever, but more on that when I get around to writing about TAR16), and the fact that Dicko barely manages to avoid tacking "and it could all be yours, if The Price... Is... Right!" on to the end of his revealing the reward to be a full-on outdoor kitchen set-up. (I have now made Price Is Right mentions in two recaps for this and one for The Mole. Apparently, I really miss the little yodelling mountain climber and his dog.) Mofaux wins it.
11. Gab explains that while they were waiting for the new tribe members to arrive at Shockula (it looks like they didn't go straight there from the challenge, for whatever reason), Wayne and the Leech were busy trying to convince her to boot Imogen. Funny how they were treating her like crap just yesterday, and are now including her as part of the decision-making process because they no longer have an unassailable majority. Imogen tells us that she was able to hear everything they were saying, because the shoreline of Vanuatu is not exactly soundproof, and knew the men were going to try and get all the information they needed out of them before voting them out. Trying to get information to help them last longer than you in a game only winnable by getting rid of everyone else? Those rat bastards!
12. At MoFaux, Oldfart explains that either he or ManNan is likely to be voted out if the tribe loses, so there's got to be some serious magic juju to keep them both around. Luckily, Hornebags has found some freaky painted tchotchke, which she thinks is responsible for helping them find food and whatnot. ManNan thinks she's trying to pull a fast one on him, but soon discovers that she really is that batshit insane. Oldfart does too, contrasting her background in "paganism" with his conservative lifestyle. Conservative enough to self-describe as "metrosexual". Eh.
13. Hornebags wants the camp realigned in accordance with feng shui, but the only thing well-placed is the commercial break.
14. Risotto is a romantic meal, at any time of night and even with Oldfart as your chef-slash-waiter. Elton is jealous, realising that Oldfart's pretty much bought his way to safety by cooking them a decent meal, and making him the sole odd one out. Crap. The creepy idol thingy agrees with him and me, in that he's screwed (and not in any of the fun ways).
15. Wayne claims that the tribal shuffle has "brought a whole lot of new dynamics" to the tribe. Is 'dynamics' a new euphemism for 'boobs'? Unfortunately for him, the women are busy being self-sufficient and not at all like the 1950's Stepford Wife he and the rest of Cockula were trying to turn Gab into before the shuffle. Don't they know they can't make toothbrushes by chopping down palm fronds? He and the Leech are in denial about having the capacity to do anything to change their fate at this point.
16. Oh, look. Hornebags is naked again. Amber is discussing strategy with her, and God bless the editors for finding a confessional where she uses the word 'confronting'. That's almost too easy a target, really. Amber is aware that Hornebags and Justin are tight, as are ManNan and Oldfart, which leaves Amber as the least tight person on MoFaux. Not exactly the person I would have suspected, to be totally honest.
17. It's not so much fun not recapping the treemail when there isn't any to recap.
18. When they walk up to the challenge, it's a big jail set-up, which will be good practice for when the winner gets arrested for tax evasion or animal cruelty. Or whatever else they get imprisoned for. The challenge is pretty much the same as the one they used for the Outcasts in Survivor: Pearl Islands. One person runs down a path to grab the tribe flag before coming back. They dig under the gate to get into the cell and untie someone, and both of them dig into the next cell to untie someone else. All three of them use whatever they can grab to build a pole and grab a hanging key, which unlocks the next cell. Finally, they use the same pole to grab another key, unlocking the two people chained up inside like so many movie characters, and escaping out the front door. This is, of course, so much tougher than escaping from an actual Australian prison. And about sixteen or seventeen times less humane. They don't even get Foxtel here! They'd be lucky just to get GO! First tribe out wins. I don't know why neither tribe uses the pole from their tribe flag to help them grab the keys, but it'd be both longer (meaning making the pole takes less time) and more secure (meaning it's less likely to break and cause you to lose even more time) than the sticks on the ground are. Something for MoFaux to ponder over as they wait for Tribal Council, since Shockula wins.
19. Monkey!
20. Hornebags correctly blames herself for losing, calling it "a really big drag". Takes one to know one, I suppose. (Yes, I realise that makes approximately zero sense. I don't care.) She takes the time to check with the group whether they'll hold her responsible for making them lose the challenge, and stupidly decides to point out exactly where she screwed the team over. It's good to know she was at least paying attention to something in the challenge. She claims she'll be able to suck it up and deal if they blame her for the loss. Well, good.
21. Oldfart is only too happy to point out that a supposedly self-sufficient woman failed to, as he puts it, "bring home the bacon". He says the tribe's losing the challenge doesn't affect who gets voted out, but whether Hornebags can keep her numbers majority after losing the challenge does. So, in essence, he's saying he would apparently still be trying to vote for her even if they won the challenge. I can just imagine Hornebags retrieving treemail the next morning and wondering why the hell there are slips of paper with her name written in giant, television-friendly letters. Actually, given the intelligence of these people, it could be any of them.
22. During the commercial break, Hornebags moved back three steps so she could walk up the same path she was walking along during Oldfart's confessional. Because she just isn't getting enough screentime this week, between the fruit argument and the nude stagnant swamp bath and the losing the challenge. She thinks Oldfart is "totally, unexpectedly awesome". Well then. If Hornebags says she likes him, I suppose I have to add him to The List. I wonder who I can get rid of from the list, though. There's just so many hateable people on it at this point.
23. ManNan is indeed "rockin' it".
24. Quoth the Hornebags: "Unless I'm an absolute idiot and the, the biggest... um, like, most naive idiot in the world, I am 500% sure that Amber, Justin and I are locked in solid, and we've made our choice." Oh, my. OH, MY. Could they at least make me work for decent snark? This is like taking candy from a baby. And by "a baby", I mean "the editors". They're probably expecting me to lift their shirts and give them a raspberry for this.
25. Amber skates everywhere around the hole in the ice that is saying the words "I'm the swing vote", but unfortunately for Hornebags (let's be honest, it will be Hornebags), she's competent enough to avoid falling in. Barely. She must have been getting lessons from Imogen before the tribe shuffle. Oldfart tells her Hornebags has "lost her right to be here". Yes, really. Meanwhile, Justin and ManNan helped them win the challe... oh, wait.
26. Tribal Council is just as dreary and boring as it was under the old recapping style. But Amber does provide a very interesting answer about how she didn't expect the politicking to be such a major part of her time in this game, and didn't bother spending much time before the show trying to figure out how she should approach it. Apparently, she was hoping this would be Survivor: Kadina Edition. I knew I liked her. And Dicko has to ruin all my enjoyment of this whole scene by claiming the shuffle ruined the awesome little society Justin's set up for himself. Because, as we all know, when there are a bunch of women and only one man, the man is the centre of attention. It's exactly why we saw Charlie all the time and rarely saw his Angels. Meanwhile, Hornebags thinks "[her] tribe's safety and warmth was more important than [her] twenty-year-old pack of tarot cards". Yeah, let's see if she still feels that way in ten minutes.
27. To cut a long, boring and montage-filled story short, Dicko brings back the votes and Oldfart gets the first two, before Fiona gets the rest. Hey, this is actually tense! But it's Hornebags and Oldfart, so it doesn't really matter. I'm happy either way. The last vote is for Hornebags, and that'll do her. I wonder if her tarot cards would have seen this coming, had she looked at them. Rather than point this out, Dicko decides to go with a kiddie-friendly round of "Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Gone". Her final words are filled with an obscene amount of fake cheer and genuine bitterness. Ding, dong, the wicked witch is dead!
2. Previously: Amber wanted food so badly that she decided to see if she could whine and whine for as long as it took for the producers to have pity on The Poor Celebrities and give them some. The rest of Mofo shared her sentiments, but not necessarily her methods. Hornebags, for example, decided to try and conjure up some actual melons as opposed to the synthetic ones she's stuffed into her bikini. Imogen was hearing voices in her head, and those voices were telling her to do different things than the voices in her loins were. At Cockula, jaunty island music announced the transition from "rats" to bitches. The least bitchy member of the tribe also happened to be the hottest tribe member, as well as the one most likely to not wind up impersonating a sun-dried tomato at the end of this. The Leech learned that the jungle actually does have items you could use to help you avoid, you know, dying a grisly and entertaining death. Turns out cavemen weren't magic after all. Who knew? Cockula had a lovely bunch of coconuts, but they also had nuts in their minds, and so wound up winning fruit but losing Immunity. Mofo almost wished they weren't suddenly so good at not sucking, because they wanted to vote out Hornebags. Gee, I wonder if the fact that nobody likes Hornebags is going to be relevant this week. At Cockula, the two main contenders for First Off The Sinking Ship were the Token Piece Of Eye-Candy and the Strong Smart Guy Who Could Win Almost Any Challenge Single-Handed. Unsurprisingly, because they're "celebrities" and not strategists, they voted off the guy who made them all look merely incompetent at things involving survival skills, rather than the one who made them look like a bunch of dumb horny frat boys. Ten vaguely human-shaped organisms are left. Who will be voted out... TONIGHT?
3. I'm not sure why Hornebags thinks storing the fruit from the last reward anywhere else (as opposed to the bag they came in) was supposed to be a safeguard against getting them attacked by fruit flies. I would have thought the bag was at least offering a layer of protection. But then again, if I actually were able to spend enough time to find any sense in one of Hornebags' pointless arguments, the world would probably implode on itself, so.
4. Hey, editors? Don't need the concept of "Oldfart is climbing a tree" to be shown with a shot from directly below, giving the impression we can see up his shorts. Just... ew. Oldfart confessionals, shorts safely below the bottom of the frame, that Cockula doesn't need a leader to be successful. No wonder he works in New South Wales state politics. Back out in the jungle, Oldfart shakes the tree so hard a coconut falls out and conks ManNan on the head. I suspect it's not the first time ManNan's head has had physical contact with a nut, but that may just be projecting. ManNan, Gab, and the Leech all laugh at his total inability to move out of the way of flying nuts.
5. Gab tells us that Cockula is "a really strong tribe" and is "capable of winning all the challenges". Aside from that one they just lost, I guess. She knows that "each person on the team" has got something they're good at, but she's still trying to find hers. I know, I know! Her special talent is being far less irritating than anyone else on her godforsaken tribe! It's certainly not chopping coconuts, from what we see. Or perhaps it's the ability to publicly embarrass people for "having a slash" on a beach in front of some cameras. Nah, it can't be that. The Leech is already doing a fine job of making a laughingstock of himself. Also, GROSS.
6. I know how the yawning lizard feels.
7. Hornebags provides a confessional, trying to explain where in her decision making process she made the leap from "everyone hates me" to "time for naked sunbathing!" She strips off and sits inside a small pond. It's wrong of me to hope that pond has flesh-eating bacteria in it, right? Okay, I won't. Much. It certainly does look pretty stagnant, though. More blabbering about how the act of getting nude on camera is a spiritual thing and not just some excuse to get more screentime, and WHATEVER. If I wasn't already gay enough as it was, that would have just pushed me over the borderline. (Bor-derliiine!)
8. You know what the best thing about not doing full recaps for this show is? I don't feel obliged to recap the treemail. Or the bit where the tribes can't figure out what the challenge is going to entail, even when it's pointed out so blatantly in the clue that I'm surprised there aren't little flashing neon lights wired into the plank of wood with the message on it. But anyway, the challenge is that one where you put something on one side of a seesaw and stomp on the other side to catapult it into the basket on top of you. Dicko calls it "The Basket Stomp", which is officially the least imaginative name since The Baby-Sitters Club was popular. Mofo have decided to come in war paint as a show of tribal unity. Which is convenient, because the Cowboys and Injuns (as Dicko put it) are about to be shuffled.
9. Also convenient? Justin and Gab both managing to avoid elimination in the first two episodes so they can choose their new tribes. It's one of those "choose someone of the other sex" deals, but this time Justin and Gab will do all the choosing, as opposed to each person picked choosing the next one. I like the other way better, but not by much. Justin does the smart thing and gives himself an out if his new tribe (let's call them MoFaux) loses, by picking Hornebags first. Long story short, MoFaux has Justin, Hornebags, ManNan, Amber, and Oldfart, while Shockula has the other losers. By which I mean Gab, the Leech, Nicolle, Wayne, and Imogen. Boy, it's hard to choose which tribe I dislike least. In theory, Shockula's only crime is having the two men, but then ManNan and Amber are stuck on a tribe with three irritating twats, so it sort of balances out. They are fairly evenly matched skillwise, though, which is a vast improvement on how it could have gone. Imagine how different this would be had some of these people been separated differently. Go ahead. It's not going to wind up looking this even on paper if Oldfart and the Leech switched positions, is it? And we came that close to this being another blowout. I think the onomatopoeia I'm looking for is "Phew".
10. The challenge itself is so dull that the most interesting aspects are Dicko deciding to re-welcome everyone to The Basket Stomp, as though they'd all been concussed after a nasty crash at the Whistler Sliding Centre (which, by the way, will now be remembered as part of the most awkwardly uncomfortable Amazing Race prize holiday ever, but more on that when I get around to writing about TAR16), and the fact that Dicko barely manages to avoid tacking "and it could all be yours, if The Price... Is... Right!" on to the end of his revealing the reward to be a full-on outdoor kitchen set-up. (I have now made Price Is Right mentions in two recaps for this and one for The Mole. Apparently, I really miss the little yodelling mountain climber and his dog.) Mofaux wins it.
11. Gab explains that while they were waiting for the new tribe members to arrive at Shockula (it looks like they didn't go straight there from the challenge, for whatever reason), Wayne and the Leech were busy trying to convince her to boot Imogen. Funny how they were treating her like crap just yesterday, and are now including her as part of the decision-making process because they no longer have an unassailable majority. Imogen tells us that she was able to hear everything they were saying, because the shoreline of Vanuatu is not exactly soundproof, and knew the men were going to try and get all the information they needed out of them before voting them out. Trying to get information to help them last longer than you in a game only winnable by getting rid of everyone else? Those rat bastards!
12. At MoFaux, Oldfart explains that either he or ManNan is likely to be voted out if the tribe loses, so there's got to be some serious magic juju to keep them both around. Luckily, Hornebags has found some freaky painted tchotchke, which she thinks is responsible for helping them find food and whatnot. ManNan thinks she's trying to pull a fast one on him, but soon discovers that she really is that batshit insane. Oldfart does too, contrasting her background in "paganism" with his conservative lifestyle. Conservative enough to self-describe as "metrosexual". Eh.
13. Hornebags wants the camp realigned in accordance with feng shui, but the only thing well-placed is the commercial break.
14. Risotto is a romantic meal, at any time of night and even with Oldfart as your chef-slash-waiter. Elton is jealous, realising that Oldfart's pretty much bought his way to safety by cooking them a decent meal, and making him the sole odd one out. Crap. The creepy idol thingy agrees with him and me, in that he's screwed (and not in any of the fun ways).
15. Wayne claims that the tribal shuffle has "brought a whole lot of new dynamics" to the tribe. Is 'dynamics' a new euphemism for 'boobs'? Unfortunately for him, the women are busy being self-sufficient and not at all like the 1950's Stepford Wife he and the rest of Cockula were trying to turn Gab into before the shuffle. Don't they know they can't make toothbrushes by chopping down palm fronds? He and the Leech are in denial about having the capacity to do anything to change their fate at this point.
16. Oh, look. Hornebags is naked again. Amber is discussing strategy with her, and God bless the editors for finding a confessional where she uses the word 'confronting'. That's almost too easy a target, really. Amber is aware that Hornebags and Justin are tight, as are ManNan and Oldfart, which leaves Amber as the least tight person on MoFaux. Not exactly the person I would have suspected, to be totally honest.
17. It's not so much fun not recapping the treemail when there isn't any to recap.
18. When they walk up to the challenge, it's a big jail set-up, which will be good practice for when the winner gets arrested for tax evasion or animal cruelty. Or whatever else they get imprisoned for. The challenge is pretty much the same as the one they used for the Outcasts in Survivor: Pearl Islands. One person runs down a path to grab the tribe flag before coming back. They dig under the gate to get into the cell and untie someone, and both of them dig into the next cell to untie someone else. All three of them use whatever they can grab to build a pole and grab a hanging key, which unlocks the next cell. Finally, they use the same pole to grab another key, unlocking the two people chained up inside like so many movie characters, and escaping out the front door. This is, of course, so much tougher than escaping from an actual Australian prison. And about sixteen or seventeen times less humane. They don't even get Foxtel here! They'd be lucky just to get GO! First tribe out wins. I don't know why neither tribe uses the pole from their tribe flag to help them grab the keys, but it'd be both longer (meaning making the pole takes less time) and more secure (meaning it's less likely to break and cause you to lose even more time) than the sticks on the ground are. Something for MoFaux to ponder over as they wait for Tribal Council, since Shockula wins.
19. Monkey!
20. Hornebags correctly blames herself for losing, calling it "a really big drag". Takes one to know one, I suppose. (Yes, I realise that makes approximately zero sense. I don't care.) She takes the time to check with the group whether they'll hold her responsible for making them lose the challenge, and stupidly decides to point out exactly where she screwed the team over. It's good to know she was at least paying attention to something in the challenge. She claims she'll be able to suck it up and deal if they blame her for the loss. Well, good.
21. Oldfart is only too happy to point out that a supposedly self-sufficient woman failed to, as he puts it, "bring home the bacon". He says the tribe's losing the challenge doesn't affect who gets voted out, but whether Hornebags can keep her numbers majority after losing the challenge does. So, in essence, he's saying he would apparently still be trying to vote for her even if they won the challenge. I can just imagine Hornebags retrieving treemail the next morning and wondering why the hell there are slips of paper with her name written in giant, television-friendly letters. Actually, given the intelligence of these people, it could be any of them.
22. During the commercial break, Hornebags moved back three steps so she could walk up the same path she was walking along during Oldfart's confessional. Because she just isn't getting enough screentime this week, between the fruit argument and the nude stagnant swamp bath and the losing the challenge. She thinks Oldfart is "totally, unexpectedly awesome". Well then. If Hornebags says she likes him, I suppose I have to add him to The List. I wonder who I can get rid of from the list, though. There's just so many hateable people on it at this point.
23. ManNan is indeed "rockin' it".
24. Quoth the Hornebags: "Unless I'm an absolute idiot and the, the biggest... um, like, most naive idiot in the world, I am 500% sure that Amber, Justin and I are locked in solid, and we've made our choice." Oh, my. OH, MY. Could they at least make me work for decent snark? This is like taking candy from a baby. And by "a baby", I mean "the editors". They're probably expecting me to lift their shirts and give them a raspberry for this.
25. Amber skates everywhere around the hole in the ice that is saying the words "I'm the swing vote", but unfortunately for Hornebags (let's be honest, it will be Hornebags), she's competent enough to avoid falling in. Barely. She must have been getting lessons from Imogen before the tribe shuffle. Oldfart tells her Hornebags has "lost her right to be here". Yes, really. Meanwhile, Justin and ManNan helped them win the challe... oh, wait.
26. Tribal Council is just as dreary and boring as it was under the old recapping style. But Amber does provide a very interesting answer about how she didn't expect the politicking to be such a major part of her time in this game, and didn't bother spending much time before the show trying to figure out how she should approach it. Apparently, she was hoping this would be Survivor: Kadina Edition. I knew I liked her. And Dicko has to ruin all my enjoyment of this whole scene by claiming the shuffle ruined the awesome little society Justin's set up for himself. Because, as we all know, when there are a bunch of women and only one man, the man is the centre of attention. It's exactly why we saw Charlie all the time and rarely saw his Angels. Meanwhile, Hornebags thinks "[her] tribe's safety and warmth was more important than [her] twenty-year-old pack of tarot cards". Yeah, let's see if she still feels that way in ten minutes.
27. To cut a long, boring and montage-filled story short, Dicko brings back the votes and Oldfart gets the first two, before Fiona gets the rest. Hey, this is actually tense! But it's Hornebags and Oldfart, so it doesn't really matter. I'm happy either way. The last vote is for Hornebags, and that'll do her. I wonder if her tarot cards would have seen this coming, had she looked at them. Rather than point this out, Dicko decides to go with a kiddie-friendly round of "Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Gone". Her final words are filled with an obscene amount of fake cheer and genuine bitterness. Ding, dong, the wicked witch is dead!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The Grim Recapper: 12 Things
Thought I'd get this started with twelve things all about me. Enjoy!
=====
1. On November 22, 1963, he was almost assassinated by a crazed gunman while driving through Dallas, but Scott Bakula managed to save him in time.
2. He may not necessarily be bigger than Jesus, but he's bigger in the sense that matters.
3. He spends too much time on Facebook commenting on status updates people he doesn't even know posted.
4. He cannot see Russia from his house, does not shoot bison from a helicopter, and is positive he could name at least one major American publication when asked. But he does occasionally write things on his hands to remember them. Crap.
5. He was the inspiration for the songs Barcelona, Waterloo, Tears In Heaven, and Murder On The Dancefloor.
6. He could do a better job of designing challenges and choosing locations for The Amazing Race than the current producers.
7. Monkey!
8. He would like to congratulate Ricki-Lee Coulter in advance for managing to turn the finest car seat cover money can buy into a dress for the Logies.
9. He has never bought a DVD based solely on the fact that a hot guy is semi-naked in it. Never. At all. Ever. Really. WHY ARE YOU GIVING HIM THAT LOOK?!
10. He thinks Eddie McGuire better be careful when he gets back from Vancouver, because he's unpopular enough to have made it onto the List Of People That Require Unfortunate Circumstances, and once you're on the List, chances are you won't escape it until the recapper foretells said unfortunate circumstances. (See also: Michael Jackson, Australian Survivor winner Rob Dickson, Kyle Sandilands.)
11. He was as bored reading this list as you were. [Edit: And can apparently count as well as your unborn demon spawn.]
=====
1. On November 22, 1963, he was almost assassinated by a crazed gunman while driving through Dallas, but Scott Bakula managed to save him in time.
2. He may not necessarily be bigger than Jesus, but he's bigger in the sense that matters.
3. He spends too much time on Facebook commenting on status updates people he doesn't even know posted.
4. He cannot see Russia from his house, does not shoot bison from a helicopter, and is positive he could name at least one major American publication when asked. But he does occasionally write things on his hands to remember them. Crap.
5. He was the inspiration for the songs Barcelona, Waterloo, Tears In Heaven, and Murder On The Dancefloor.
6. He could do a better job of designing challenges and choosing locations for The Amazing Race than the current producers.
7. Monkey!
8. He would like to congratulate Ricki-Lee Coulter in advance for managing to turn the finest car seat cover money can buy into a dress for the Logies.
9. He has never bought a DVD based solely on the fact that a hot guy is semi-naked in it. Never. At all. Ever. Really. WHY ARE YOU GIVING HIM THAT LOOK?!
10. He thinks Eddie McGuire better be careful when he gets back from Vancouver, because he's unpopular enough to have made it onto the List Of People That Require Unfortunate Circumstances, and once you're on the List, chances are you won't escape it until the recapper foretells said unfortunate circumstances. (See also: Michael Jackson, Australian Survivor winner Rob Dickson, Kyle Sandilands.)
11. He was as bored reading this list as you were. [Edit: And can apparently count as well as your unborn demon spawn.]
Something something "Welcome!"
So. Yeah. Throughout the past year and a bit I’ve spent quite a lot of time, basically, Zaprudering TV shows and mocking them. And, as you’d expect, it gets tedious. Even the weirdness of accidentally foretelling a contestant’s grisly death isn’t enough to really keep me interested in the concept to do it with any regularity. (The previous sentence, of course, is also exactly what slutty people think about sperm as soon as they get married.) So I’m basically going to stop recapping, for the most part. It’s a tough decision, considering I’ve written over a quarter of a million words for the various shows I’ve covered, and the time I’ve spent doing it, but it’s one I feel is necessary to stop me from turning the recaps into personal bitch sessions. Because, as you may be aware, those are the very things I hate the most. So, rather than write up a full recap for each episode and then post them at the blog I’d set up for the show, I’m going to do the following: I’ll still do the “Previously On The Show You’re Reading About” bit, but from there I’ll just watch the episodes as normal and make, like, a shortlist of things that I feel like snarking on and talking about from the episode. The blogs I’ve already created and the recaps will remain where they are (for once), and all new content will be added here (though the stuff for shows I’m already covering will be cross-posted). Hopefully, this way will be less time-consuming and/or damaging to my grades/sanity than the way I’d been doing, and will allow me to get through shows both more quickly and with more variety – this way, I’m more inclined to take on a sitcom or a wide-arcing mythology show like any of the JJ Abrams canon than I would have been beforehand, as well as shows that don’t particularly lend themselves to sarcastic commentary (like Quantum Leap or the non-fashion parts of 21 Jump Street). So to recap the entirely non-funny recap-related business at hand: Shorter recaps but more variety. Seems like it’s a win-win for everyone, except for those people who really, really want to read nineteen trejillion different variations of “Team gets lost. They argue. Shut up, team member/s.”
Occasionally, when I really feel like it, I might still do a couple of full length recaps, but they won’t be happening as a regular event. It’s just taking too much time out of my life and out of me at this point. So… welcome to the new digs. Sit down, put your feet up, and try not to kick Grant Denyer in the face.
Occasionally, when I really feel like it, I might still do a couple of full length recaps, but they won’t be happening as a regular event. It’s just taking too much time out of my life and out of me at this point. So… welcome to the new digs. Sit down, put your feet up, and try not to kick Grant Denyer in the face.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)