Logies Liveblog 2010

6:36pm. Oh, look. The Logies are on tonight. Time to dust off the old recapping skills. Assuming I still have any left after all these months with no writing. Logies livecap, here we come!

7:24pm. Karl and Lisa are hosting the red carpet arrivals? Good. As long as it isn’t Richard fucking Wilkins.

7:29pm. Here we go.

7:30pm. How the fuck is Ruby Rose famous, and why do we care what she’s wearing? (Actually, that goes for much of the Australian television industry.)

7:30pm. MYER!

7:31pm. Lisa has a dress with pockets. Clever.

7:31pm. Ew. Jules Lund.

7:32pm. Oh, Jules. Even a Wikipedia hacker wouldn’t be stupid enough to lie about someone playing a ukulele-strumming lesbian.

7:32pm. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby. Why would you go with the Bea Arthur hairdo?

7:33pm. Firass Durani was once a Power Ranger? Awesome. But I’d still feel oddly weird tracking down some of his episodes just to see him in lycra. Especially when I can probably just hold out a few weeks and see him full frontal on Underbelly.

7:33pm. Gabriella Cilmi really needs to be told that she can't recycle her Year 11 Formal dress for an occasion like this.

7:34pm. Were it not for those freaking shoulder pads, Kerri-Anne would have almost made up for one of her several past wardrobe disasters.

7:36pm. Matt Preston’s second mouth will be nominated for Best New Talent next year.

7:36pm. From Australia’s Next Top Model winner to Logies trophy girl? Ouch.

7:37pm. Danni Minogue’s boyfriend may be the only person alive with a speaking voice more unattractive than Richard Reid’s.

7:37pm. Sigrid Thornton. Blecch. Hideous.

7:38pm. MYER!

7:39pm. Love how they couldn’t even be bothered spelling Kerri-Anne’s surname on the Best Dressed graphic.

7:39pm. Isn’t it cliché for Rhonda Burchmore to wear red to an awards night by now?

7:39pm. Bonnie Lythgoe has got to stop Bedazzling potato sacks.

7:43pm. MONKEY! (...No, wait, that’s just Johnny Galecki.)

7:44pm. Did Johnny just respond to Karl telling him “in bed early” with “you too”? LOVE!

7:45pm. It takes a lot to make background people the most attractive on the screen, but Ruby and Molly Meldrum have managed it.

7:46pm. Jules looks ridiculously tall compared to Poh. Also, Poh? Spaghetti straps Do. Not. Work.

7:47pm. Kerri-Anne and Ruby had a thing in the loos last year? It’s official, Ruby is the new Molly.

7:48pm. Jules, shut up. Hamish and Andy are even less deserving of the Nobel Peace Prize than Barack Obama was.

7:49pm. Note to Channel Nine: When talking about how all the stars are swarming the red carpet, it might not be a good idea to have the near-empty red carpet in the background.

7:50pm. Oh, Myf. You’re trying to live down last year’s monstrosity, and you go with POLKA DOTS?!

7:50pm. Livinia never fails to look beautiful.

7:51pm. Shaun Micallef! If only there was a special episode of Your Gen tonight, they could have used red carpet eyesores for a round of iChronoloco!, and called it iChronologie!.

7:52pm. Scott Cam? Not interested. And not interesting, which is helpful.

7:52pm. Peter Helliar’s face matches the carpet.

7:54pm. MYER!

7:54pm. Nice to finally see Neighbours stars treat the Logies with some dignity. We’ve come a long way since Harold rapping.

7:59pm. Andrew Hansen and Julian Morrow, with Karl? This should be interesting.

8:00pm. Not so much.

8:01pm. Jules Lund is nominated? Ew.

8:01pm. MYER!

8:02pm. Tasma Walton has given the words “getting your trashbag on” new meaning.

8:03pm. Shut up, Rove.

8:03pm. Jules is with Kat Stewart and Justine Clarke. One is an overrated untalented bore, but dressed well, the other is an underrated overtalented actress, but dressed like a whore. And Kat Stewart is also there.

8:04pm. k.d. lang is singing Hallelujah again?! Does she even have any other songs? It’s a big step up from Susan Boyle, but not enough, to be honest.

8:05pm. She thought about buying Pauline Hanson’s house? She’s definitely not Aussie. (And would Pauline have even considered it? Though she isn’t Asian, k.d. probably ticks off about thirty of Pauline’s other Bad People criteria.)

8:09pm. MYER!

8:10pm. Who is Yumi Stynes? Looks good, though.

8:10pm. Zed oh emm gee, Jane Hall. Amazing.

8:10pm. Paul McDermott really needs a team of writers in order to be entertaining.

8:11pm. Jessica Marais appears to have had her dress tattooed on.

8:12pm. Wil Anderson cracks me up, even when he’s not being too funny. (Note to self: Next year, plagiarise from his Twitter feed.)

8:13pm. MYER!

8:13pm. For someone who’s only famous because of one of these red carpet events, Rebecca Twigley really needs to learn what she’s doing.

8:15pm. Hooray! The real show!

8:16pm. Nice to see Gabriella Cilmi is mourning Big Brother’s first year of not being nominated in almost a decade by using a rejected Diary Room chair in her performance.

8:17pm. Woo! Hot men! Aside from that, though, this whole performance is torture.

8:18pm. Fireworks! If only one of them would accidentally fly in the general direction of Kochie…

8:19pm. Credits.

8:20pm. Yay, Bert! But how the fuck was Mick Molloy let through security?

8:21pm. It might be his nineteenth time, but Bert Newton really needs to do this more often.

8:21pm. Hee, Bert thinks we’re lucky he’s not hosting from heaven. Compared to last year’s heaven sketch, this really is heaven. Heaven!

8:23pm. Is this the first time Channel 31’s been mentioned in the Logies monologue? About time.

8:24pm. Bert really doesn’t care about Tahnee Atkinson. HA!

8:25pm. “Sam Newman is not the casting director of Neighbours”. Home And Away is another matter, of course.

8:26pm. Most Popular Presenter. Blond women and stand-up comedians. I’ve got this sewn up, after my sex change and hairdresser’s appointment!

8:27pm. Congratulations, Shaun Micallef! Aaaand we’re taking the piss out of victory speeches already. Awesome.

8:29pm. Claudia Karvan and Samuel Johnson, presenting The Secret Life Of Australia’s Most Popular Drama Series.

8:30pm. Shut up, Sam. Even Claudia (who looks like Kristina Keneally tonight, because politicians are just great at being fashionable, and if you disagree, Steve Fielding will cut you) can’t believe him.

8:32pm. Congratulations, Packed To The Rafters! And quit bitching about not being smart enough to download your own speech, Erik.

8:33pm. How is Erik’s tie on such an angle? Was he trying to pee from his nipples?

8:34pm. MYER!

8:35pm. To paraphrase from Brian McFadden (I know), why don’t you just fuck off back to New Zealand, Richard Wilkins?

8:40pm. Kat Stewart and Asher Keddie, presenting Most Popular Actor, and claiming the Oh, How Embarrassing! Award For Identical Dresses while they’re at it.

8:41pm. All Channel Seven guys? Hardly seems fair, but whatever. Congratulations, Hugh Sheridan! If he’s not gay and fucking a jockey to get his suit looking that silky, I’ll be shocked. And if he’s just broken up with the jockey, he can use the Logie to pleasure himself.

8:42pm. Natalie Bassingthwaite, presenting Most Popular Factual Program, also known as Most Popular Repetitive Documentary.

8:43pm. Congratulations, Bondi Rescue! Ever wanted to know what the five comedians nominated for the Gold Logie would look like with severe facial injuries? Just look at these guys.

8:45pm. She’s also doing Most Popular Lifestyle Program, also known as Most Popular Non-Repetitive Documentary. Even she’s surprised Top Gear Australia is nominated. Heh.

8:47pm. Congratulations, Better Homes And Gardens! But since I still haven’t forgiven Johanna Griggs for all those BAY! JING! In CHI! NUH! Comments during the Olympics, I’m not going to pay attention.

8:48pm. I’m nominating Dr. Harry for Best Dressed.

8:53pm. Can’t we get away from Ruby? She and Luke Jacobz (hot and hilarious, still, after all these years) are doing Most Popular Reality Show.

8:54pm. Ruby, the show was watched by FOUR MILLION PEOPLE. It’s not exactly a situation where you can draw out the suspense without sounding like a massive tool. But knowing this would require some sort of self-awareness, so here we are.

8:54pm. Congratulations, Masterchef Australia! Apparently, Matt Preston ate everybody else who was even remotely involved with the show. Except for Julie.

8:56pm. Kristian Schmidt and Damian Walshe-Howling. Most Popular “Female Actor”, despite the graphics using “Actress”.

8:57pm. Congratulations, Rebecca Gibney!

8:58pm. I did not need to know about her menstrual cycle.

8:59pm. After the break: k.d. lang.

9:04pm. Montreal hosted a games of some kind recently? The Quebec separatists will be pleased to learn about this.

9:05pm. When she sings, k.d. lang always looks so drunk she’s about to collapse.

9:07pm. It’s a good thing “our love is not a victory march”, because watching her perform this song AGAIN is beginning to feel a bit like a death march.

9:10pm. No. No standing ovation.

9:11pm. Apparently, Eddie was too busy bending over backwards trying to apologise to Johnny Weir to say “Vancouver” every six seconds. Oh well.

9:12pm. Piano Guy could have dressed up for the occasion.

9:12pm. Bert, I don’t think she’s interested in marrying Piano Guy.

9:13pm. “Here’s Moira”. And with that, this year’s Logies immediately pwns the hell out of last year’s, although I would like some actual sketches.

9:13pm. Why does my computer recognise “pwns” as a word?

9:13pm. MYER!

9:16pm. This is one hell of a long “Myer Minute”.

9:20pm. “There’s only one footy show”, commercials? The four-minute Myer Minute would beg to differ.

9:21pm. Shane Bourne, presenting Most Outstanding Factual Program.

9:21pm. Just get on with it, Shane.

9:22pm. Oh, please. No way Last Chance Saloon was watched by enough people for a round of applause that big. Law And Disorder, too.

9:23pm. Congratulations, Law And Disorder! Typical boring SBS acceptance speeches. This is what happens when they appear on commercial television.

9:25pm. Shaun Micallef again, presenting Most Outstanding Children’s Program.

9:26pm. Congratulations, My Place! I believe it’s ABC3’s first ever Logie, right? Cool. (Next year, Larry Hagman’s work on I Dream Of Jeannie will win him Best New Male Talent for GO!)

9:28pm. Wilfred and the Commando, presenting Most Popular Sports Program. Naturally.

9:29pm. Apparently, the Commando wishes he was licking balls. Well then.

9:30pm. Congratulations, NRL Footy Show! Of course, Channel Nine will revoke their Logies in a few years because the show’s been going over-budget, but whatever.

9:31pm. I would like to know what the hell Wendell Sailor (that’s him, right?) did to the Commando to get a laugh that big.

9:33pm. After the break: John Mayer.

9:36pm. John Mayer’s busy Twittering, so here’s Don Lane’s son! Eat it!

9:39pm. Maria Venuti, looking like a bad drag queen. Some things never change.

9:40pm. Other people died in the last year?

9:41pm. I always feel bad for the people who don’t get much applause. Then I remember they’re not currently in the position to care, and all is well in the world.

9:43pm. This is really the worst possible cover of Time After Time in creation, unless there’s a Ricki-Lee Coulter performance floating around somewhere. And I’m not sure I want to look.

9:48pm. Adam Hills. Most Outstanding New Talent, Graham Kennedy Variation.

9:49pm. That poor microphone operator, just wanted to get his job done in peace, and now he’s going to wind up on Youtube.

9:50pm. It’s the only time a fat British guy, a little kid, and someone playing a prostitute will ever be able to compete against each other without somebody getting arrested.

9:50pm. Congratulations, Matt Preston!

9:52pm. Vince Colosimo and “the host of Kerri-Anne”, presenting Most Popular Light Entertainment.

9:54pm. The world needs more lecherous Italian stereotypes on television.

9:54pm. Deal Or No Deal counts as entertainment? And Sunrise? Last I heard, they’re both considered alternatives to waterboarding in Iraq now.

9:55pm. Congratulations, Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation! The thank you speech in just 27 seconds.

9:56pm. After the break: John Mayer. No, really. For real this time!

10:00pm. Richard Wilkins? Fuck that shit. I’m getting a snack.

10:06pm. MYER!

10:07pm. This toasted sandwich is much hotter than many of the people in that room. And about ninety-nine per cent less cheesy.

10:11pm. Jennifer Byrne, presenting Most Oustanding News Coverage.

10:12pm. Congratulations, Victorian bushfires! You just helped Seven News win a Logie! (Brian Naylor could not be reached for comment.)

10:14pm. Dear Jennifer Keyte: That dress makes you look anorexic.

10:16pm. You know how Bert was going on about television Moments about an hour ago, when k.d. land was performing? Norm Beaman accepting this award is one of those Moments.

10:17pm. Jennifer Byrne, also presenting Most Outstanding Public Affairs Report.

10:18pm. Seems appropriate that Today Tonight wasn’t nominated.

10:19pm. Congratulations, Four Corners!

10:21pm. Hee, Channel Nine mockery! Snarking on underperformance never stops being old.

10:22pm. Hall of Fame. I feel so horrible for mentioning Brian Naylor now. Oops.

10:23pm. I swear, Bert Newton is the only person who ever uses the word “compere” any more.

10:25pm. Mal Walden, Peter Mitchell, and Peter Hitchener, all together? I feel like the world is going to implode on itself unless I start channel surfing. I wonder what Dutch porno SBS has on tonight.

10:27pm. Awww, I wish I was riding on a rainbow.

10:29pm. You know, I’m trying to think who the other posthumous inductee was, and I just can’t work it out. The closest I’m coming is Ruth Cracknell, but I’m pretty sure she was still alive for hers. Anyone? (EDIT: Maurie! Thanks, Wikipedia!)

10:34pm. A skit scored to Spandau Ballet? That was unexpected. Aside from the noticeable absence of horrendously uncomfortable “Let’s Get To Know The Nominees!” interviews throughout the night.

10:35pm. Michael Slater and Glenn McGrath? No. No. None of this. None. Of. This.

10:36pm. Most Outstanding Sports Coverage.

10:37pm. Congratulations, non-MYER! product placement! And also Channel Seven’s Bathurst coverage, apparently. Not like it matters.

10:39pm. Molly Meldrum and John Mayer. Fuck. I thought I missed out on all the annoying Johnny Depp wannabes and sexually transmitted presenters.

10:39pm. Shut up, Molly, and go find some poor drunk to sleep with. Or just present Most Popular New Talent, Non-Vagina Division (Presumably).

10:41pm. No, really, Molly. Shut up. Nobody else cares about the Storm, and we certainly don’t need you randomly interrupting an awards night to bitch some more.

10:42pm. Congratulations (eventually), Luke Mitchell!

10:43pm. Shut up, John, and go find some poor drunk to sleep with. Or just present Most Popular New Talent, Non-Penis Division (Presumably).

10:44pm. How the FUCK did Carrie Bickmore win this award when (1) she’s not a new talent, and (2) her show isn’t popular? I swear, if Nine repeated Australian Survivor after Knob died last year, he’d probably have been nominated.

10:46pm. “Good evening, I’m Carrie Bickmore, and the rash is clearing up nicely.” Unfortunately, the virus is still polluting our television screens.

10:50pm. Rogue Traders. Yawn. Was John Farnham busy doing another comeback concert or something?

10:52pm. I wonder what Natalie Bassingthwaite’s thinking at the moment.

10:54pm. MYER!

10:54pm. Congratulations, Livinia Nixon! You’re the Least Hideously Dressed Woman!

10:55pm. And congratulations, Random Home Viewer!

10:56pm. “You’re a strange woman with weird eyesight!” Go, Matt Preston!

10:57pm. State of Origin in 3D? Pass. State of Origin in X-Ray? I’d give that a try.

11:01pm. Charlotte Dawson and Dieter Brummer, whoever he is, are presenting Most Outstanding Comedy.

11:02pm. Wow, it was a good year for Aussie comedy for once. (We’ll just ignore any mention of the words “Hey, Dad” for now, shall we? Good.)

11:03pm. Congratulations, Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation! Again!

11:04pm. Roseanne Barr is doing Shaun Micallef’s role in the American version? Trust them to fuck it up.

11:05pm. Yvonne Strahovski and Johnny Galecki, here as our annual reminder that as good as Australian television has been over the past year, American television is just that little bit better.

11:07pm. What was the category? I was distracted by Johnny’s bad hairdo.

11:09pm. Most Outstanding Drama, Miniseries, Or Telemovie, riiiiiight.

11:09pm. Congratuations, East West 101! It’s official, SBS has now won more Logies tonight than Channel Nine. Go, competent broadcasting! And, of course, since Channel Nine’s entire programming schedule for this year seems to be Survivor, Top Gear “special episodes”, and repeats of Two And A Half Men and The Big Bang Theory, that doesn’t look like it’s going to change again next year.

11:15pm. Sigrid Thornton and John Waters are presenting the Most Outstanding Actor and Most Outstanding Actress. Not in that order, of course, because alphabetical order sucks and should be avoided at all cost.

11:18pm. John Waters’ suit designer has apparently taken his surname literally. I don’t think I’ve ever been seasick looking at a tuxedo before. Dresses? Sure. Southern Cross train station? Absolutely. But a tux? No.

11:18pm. Congratulations, Claudia Karvan!

11:19pm. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Feels good, don’t it, Claudia?

11:22pm. Congratulations, Don Hany! And Nine can’t even win a Logie when its for someone from another channel now. Ouch.

11:25pm. You know, we’re almost at the end now, and nobody’s been given the You’re Taking Too Long, Get The Fuck Off The Stage music tonight. First awards show ever!

11:28pm. Bert’s presenting the Gold Logie, too. “This is the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The end of the show”, indeed.

11:29pm. Ooooh, I hope it’s a tie.

11:30pm. Congratulations, Ray Meagher! That was a bit of a surprise, to be honest. Did everyone vote for him out of sympathy after Harold lost last year?

11:31pm. Ray Meagher using a horse racing slang term reminds me that he sounds exactly like a racecaller.

11:35pm. See, Molly? That’s how you make a salary cap joke.

11:37pm. Oooh, glitter! I'm sure there's a punchline here that doesn't involve Bob Downe, but I'm going to need some booze to get at it.

11:39pm. Did Andrew O’Keefe really eat an ornamental flower? Tool.

11:41pm. It seems fitting that the last shot of the show is of Ray Meagher checking his watch. (And only eleven minutes over!)

Next year: Bindi Irwin pashes Justin Bieber. Thousands of tweenage girls attempt suicide with plastic scissors, thousands of tweenage boys breathe a sigh of relief.