10:10pm Saturday: Crap. The Logies are tomorrow?
10:12pm: Wait. Why haven't I heard anything about the Logies being on tomorrow until now? Are they still embarrassed about Karl Stefanovic winning the Gold Logie last year? I would be, if I was anyone else in the industry.
5:13pm Sunday: It's also a hundred years since the sinking of the Titanic today. Seems appropriate.
7:41pm: Do I even use this blog for anything other than liveblogging the Logies any more?
8:01pm: What's worse: Jules Lund's continued presence at these red carpet shows or One Direction's “performing”?
8:02pm: It is incredible how not even the rent-a-crowd can fake believable enthusiasm.
8:04pm: It's going to be a long night.
8:05pm: Yay! Awesome Gay Chris is here! And HOT!
8:05pm: Seriously, if they could do the entire red carpet show in a 45-second bluescreen sequence, it would be far more tolerable. And far less fug.
8:06pm: I love Chrissie Swan. But this nightgown she's wearing is not helping.
8:06pm: What on earth is on Livinia's shoulders?
8:07pm: Shane Crawford? Really?
8:07pm: Charlotte Dawson and Dicko, apparently attending the funeral of fashion sense.
8:08pm: Was that just Kat Stewart wearing a bodylength henna tattoo in place of a dress?
8:08pm: I usually can't stand Hamish or Andy, but making a Big Brother joke in Sonia's presence? I think I'm back to neutral.
8:09pm: SHUT UP ABOUT THE BLOCK.
8:10pm: Myer. Myer. MYER!
8:11pm: Oh, Michelle Bridges. If you stopped coming to the Logies, who would be the new Worst Dressed every year?
8:11pm: JESUS CHRIST MY EYES.
8:15pm: Flo Rida? Wow, relevant.
8:16pm: You'd love it if he ripped his short off, wouldn't you, Jules?
8:16pm: Julia Gillard's nominated for Gold Logie? Or is that Amanda Bishop?
8:17pm: Carrie Bickmore is favourite for the Gold Logie? The bookies need to be shot.
8:17pm: Yes, I never thought she'd be nominated either.
8:18pm: “That's not the ratings, that's Network Ten's profits!” GROAN.
8:18pm: Asher Keddie is short. And wearing neon for no reason, apparently.
8:19pm: “You do a lot of work for charity. How many shows have you done for the ABC?” Oh, Sonja.
8:20pm: In fairness to Adam Hills, I want to hit Karl as well. And I'm not even competing against him.
8:20pm: Jules commenting on why they shouldn't “bring blokes to the Logies” because “they just bring the glamour down”. Oh, the irony.
8:21pm: K-Mart. No, wait. Myer!
8:22pm: Why is Rebecca Twigley here? And what on EARTH is Lisa Wilkinson wearing?
8:23pm: Yay, commercials! The funnest part of any red carpet event!
8:26pm: It seems odd TV Week wouldn't have insisted on their name being on the giant Logie statue.
8:26pm: Shut up Shane. A prank from the Chaser is the only way tonight will actually be interesting.
8:26pm: Wait, Dancing With The Stars is on? Fuck this shit.
8:27pm: Tony Bennett. How... random. Who's next, Bob Barker?
8:27pm: Shane Crawford thinks being nominated for two Logies is “greedy”? Let's take away all those Logies they've given to The Footy Show then.
8:30pm: Erik Thomson, do NOT encourage Jules. If he had a bright future, people would have watched Hole In The Wall.
8:30pm: Am I the only person who doesn't like Hugh Sheridan?
8:31pm: Gigi Edgley doesn't look anywhere near as bad when she's not some weird blue-grey hybrid colour.
8:32pm: Is Natalie Gruzlewski dressed as an art deco toilet roll holder?
8:32pm: A Current Affair commercial claims the fun doesn't start until after the Logies. I believe it.
8:35pm: Oh, that's why I gave up on Dancing With The Stars. SHUT UP, DAN MCPHERSON.
8:36pm: Are air sacs in dresses the new trend? Why?
8:36pm: The rent-a-crowd are more enthusiastic for Sonja and Jules than they were for One Direction. Huh. I would have thought Jules neutralised Sonja's appeal.
8:37pm: I'm sure there was a sponsor for this shameless Myer bit, but I can't remember what they're called.
8:38pm: Livinia, Jules, Sonia, and Shane could not possibly be less enthused by the presence of Flo Rida. Hee.
8:39pm: Do we need people marching across the stage in lingerie?
8:39pm: It's no wonder this awards show has an even worse reputation than the Brownlow. I mean, at least the footballers are upfront about how little they respect skimpily-dressed women.
8:41pm: This performance will soon be joining waterboarding and sleep deprivation as recognised forms of torture.
8:42pm: First Richard Wilkins sighting of the night.
8:43pm: “Sometimes I get a good feeling.” Tonight is not one of those times.
8:43pm: Thank God for Adam Hills.
8:44pm: “Hosting the Logie Awards is like being one of Gina Rinehart's children. Sounds good, but you get nothing out of it.” Truer words have never been spoken. Except for possibly “WATCHING the Logie Awards...”
8:44pm: “I'd rather be opening the Joseph Kony Childcare Centre right now.” Me too.
8:45pm: Muppets and Gotye jokes? Win.
8:46pm: Adam Hills deserves the Gold Logie for this monologue alone.
8:46pm: “CAN WE STOP CELEBRATING IDIOTS ON TELEVISION?” Nine is bringing back Big Brother instead of The Mole. So... not yet, apparently.
8:47pm: Kardashian jokes are always welcome. ALWAYS.
8:49pm: “Because of Karl, I achieved comedy zen enlightenment.” Oh, we've all been there.
8:49pm: Actress popularity contest.
8:50pm: Asher Keddie. Because the Logies would be nothing without foregone conclusions.
8:54pm: Coming up! Hall of fame! Gold Logie! Presenters! (I am not making this up. They actually tried to sell “presenters!” as something to look forward to.)
8:56pm: We have Flo Rida, Seal, Tony Bennett, AND One Direction performing tonight. Odd decision from an awards show that was scheduled to follow a show all about finding Australian talent.
8:58pm: Kate Ritchie and Alex Dimitriades. One was on The Slap, one's makeup makes her look like a slapper.
8:59pm: Actor popularity contest.
9:00pm: Yes, Wild Boys. That bastion of popularity.
9:00pm: This award better be for Eddie Perfect. Polka-dotted shirt be damned.
9:01pm: Hugh Sheridan. Fuck. Announcer claims he's never left the Logies empty-handed. It seems like there should be some sort of innuendo here.
9:03pm: Kenny and Chiana, presenting the light entertainment popularity contest.
9:03pm: I swear I wrote the above Brownlow joke before Kenny just made pretty much the same exact comment.
9:04pm: Always a good sign when your “highlight” is a newsreading blooper, SUNRISE.
9:05pm: Hamish and Andy's Gap Year. I believe it when the announcer says they've never won an award before.
9:06pm: As much as Go Back To Where You Came From tried to dispel that thought, the only thing stopping me from saying it to Richard Wilkins is not wanting to inflict him on the fine people of New Zealand.
9:08pm: Really, Nine? You don't have the class to congratulate winners from other networks? (Wait. Why am I surprised?)
9:12pm: Whoever is writing the announcer guy's blatant lies deserves a promotion next year.
9:13pm: Julia Morris and Manu Feildel, presenting documentary popularity contest.
9:13pm: None of these nominees are winning the less-publicised Least Use Of Place Names In Show Title award.
9:15pm: Bondi something or rather. I really don't care.
9:16pm: “Karl Stefanovic is television's complete package.” Not biased at all.
9:17pm: Chrissie Swan and Lincoln Lewis, being generally hilarious and presenting the reality popularity contest.
9:18pm: How did Beauty and the Geek get nominated, yet so many other passable shows didn't?
9:19pm: The Block. Will probably be the only actual surprise of the evening, unless Molly doesn't get inducted into the Hall of Fame.
9:22pm: Shut up, Scott Cam.
9:23pm: Coming up: Hamish & Andy make nuisances of themselves some more, and Delta sings. I presume they mean Delta Goodrem, because Delta the former Gladiator would probably sound like a drag queen. Then again, it IS the Logies, and we've already had Flo Rida AND One Direction.
9:26pm: You know what? Sorry, fine people of New Zealand. GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM, RICHARD WILKINS.
9:27pm: Delta is pitchy as fuck. And singing a bad song. And looking like a piece of buttered popcorn.
9:30pm: In the entire audience, exactly ONE person is dancing along. Seems generous.
9:31pm: “Carrie Bickmore sits on a table with Hughesy every night.” Just in case you forgot she didn't work at Channel Nine.
9:32pm: Hamish and Andy, doing the sports categories.
9:33pm: Probably not a good idea to use red telestrator graphics in a room with a red carpet and a bunch of spray-tanned nitwits.
9:35pm: Remember when we used to have decent sports coverage in this country?
9:35pm: AFL Grand Final wins the popularity contest. Take that, NRL!
9:37pm: Chrissie and Sonia being present at the Logies is balanced out by Ryan Fitzgerald's continuing “fame”, surely.
9:39pm: NRL wins the talent round. Take that, AFL!
9:41pm: Ray Warren thinks rugby league has never won a Logie before. Wasn't there a long stretch where their Footy Show kept winning, not that long ago?
9:42pm: Ray Warren, feeling the need to explain the intricacies of league to an audience in Melbourne, even though many of them have flown down from Sydney.
9:43pm: Adam Hills, ruining his reputation by being associated with Carrie and Dick. Sigh.
9:44pm: Yes, Adam, you should have worn heels.
9:45pm: Dear Richard Wilkins: The fact that NOBODY has expressed enthusiasm about seeing One Direction should tell you to stop pimping them so hard.
9:48pm: Shameless cross-promotion for the Kath & Kim movie! Must have been financed by Myer or something.
9:50pm: Prue and Trude! More deserving of a Logie than at least half of the people in the room.
9:51pm: Most popular presenter. Adam Hills and Chrissie Swan versus... a bunch of nitwits. So, basically, this is the Gold Logie field, with Chrissie Swan replacing Asher Keddie.
9:54pm: ADAM! There is a God.
9:55pm: “That name doesn't sound like Hamish Blake!” No, it doesn't, and there's a good reason for that.
9:56pm: “If [some guy] doesn't get a lifetime achievement award next year, I will run nude across the stage.” Motion to deliberately find someone else to give the award to?
9:57pm: The other Yellow Wiggle, making jokes about being replaced. Almost as funny as when I learned the teenage stars of Degrassi are told to think of double-fisting in order to make those overblown moany faces they seem to like.
9:57pm: This Camp Orange thing looks exactly like my kind of crappy kids game show.
9:58pm: My Place wins, though. I wasn't even paying attention to whether it was a popularity contest or a talent contest award.
10:00pm: Why are the people who accept the kids award always the classiest of the people who just thank everyone they know?
10:04pm: Has Nine picked Logies night to change their “look”? Or am I only just noticing now?
10:04pm: Hall of Fame. JPY, inducting Molly Meldrum. Probably the most deserved induction in years and years. (Not that the recent inductees aren't deserving, but... you know. The question here wasn't so much “When are they going to do it?” as it was “Why HAVEN'T they done it?”).
10:06pm: And Red Symons too.
10:08pm: And Delta? This is going to take FOREVER.
10:09pm: Clip package, showing Molly does in fact have hair. Who knew?
10:11pm: Admiring Madonna's pearl necklace. So many jokes to be made.
10:14pm: Dannii Minogue and Michael Gudinski, doing little but introducing Elton John.
10:15pm: Gudinski claiming Elton and Molly are “almost perfect pairs, after all”. Yeah, but neither of them want to Kiss The Bride.
10:17pm: This would only have been better if Molly was present to accept the award.
10:20pm: Seal, thankfully without Richard Wilkins introducing him.
10:22pm: If I wasn't so distracted by how ragged his face looks, this would probably be an impressive performance.
10:24pm: Air-conducting the orchestra? It certainly beats playing the air kazoo.
10:25pm: Asher Keddie's nominee package. Seriously, they couldn't have possibly made her sound more boring.
10:25pm: Rove, doing whatever it is he does, and rather poorly at that. Also presenting the Graham Kennedy new talent award and simultaneously reminding us that he is not in fact the second coming of Gra-Gra.
10:26pm: “I'M BEING HECKLED BY ONE DIRECTION!” Understandable.
10:27pm: And there's our annual joke at Larry Emdur's expense.
10:28pm: Chelsie Preston Crayford. Who apparently was on Shortland Street, which counts as an Aussie show for quota purposes, so shouldn't she be disqualified from the “new talent” awards?
10:31pm: Another minute with Richard Wilkins. Can we cut off their mics after sixty seconds next year, like Today does with its gossip guy? Because SERIOUSLY.
10:35pm: Warning about upcoming dead people in this segment. Apparently the Montage of Rotting Corpses is coming.
10:37pm: Or just Denise Scott, presenting the new male talent popularity contest. (This could get confusing.)
10:39pm: “Menopausal women really should stay at home.” But where's the fun in that?
10:39pm: Two interchangable Home & Away guys, an SBS chef, some guy from Winners & Losers, and Awesome Gay Chris.
10:40pm: One of the guys from Home & Away. I'm not entirely sure it matters which.
10:41pm: “And I include women in blokes.” Yeah, he's not winning another Logie.
10:42pm: Alison Langdon from 60 Minutes and Hamish MacDonald (and his unplacable accent) from many low-rating shows on Ten, presenting outstanding factual program.
10:44pm: Go Back To Where You Came From. Easily the most deserving award for a show since that time Shaun Micallef or whoever it was blindfolded some random and got them to present an award to The Mole.
10:46pm: Thanking the asylum seekers? Classy.
10:47pm: Mick Molloy introducing the Montage of Rotting Corpses by ranting about what it means to be an Australian. Really, Mick? After the last award?
10:49pm: Wow, so many people I don't recognise.
10:52pm: As awesome as Sarah Watt and Paul Lockyer and the other dead people undoubtedly were, this might be the first time they have ever picked the right people to start and end the montage. Granted, this year seemed to mostly be “Hey, It's That Guy!” actors and behind the scenes people without mass appeal, but still.
10:55pm: The announger guy, reminding us what we're sitting through so we don't have to do it next year.
10:56pm: One Direction, presenting new female talent popularity contest by making a lame reference to their being sluts.
10:57pm: Melissa Bergland. Good choice, and not just because it's an actual NEW talent for the first time in about five years.
10:57pm: She's going to look like Maria Venuti when she's God knows how old.
10:59pm: Adam Hills nominee package, pointing out his continued failure.
10:59pm: Stephen Curry and Essie Davis, the latter of whom is currently making Karl look sober, presenting actor talent contest.
11:01pm: Rob Carlton. Who knew a guy playing Kerry Packer would win an award sponsored by a magazine he once owned?
11:04pm: START THE TIMER.
11:06pm: This year was truly the year of the shapeless silk sack.
11:07pm: Announcing the best dressed on Today? You mean I waited over three hours for nothing?
11:08pm: STOP THE TIMER. Four minutes.
11:11pm: Grimmers and Kerry. Outstanding new coverage.
11:12pm: Five different news stories, five different networks. And yet the one network that tried to reinvent itself as the home of news last year? Nothing.
11:13pm: Queensland floods, to be accepted by Nine's Melbourne news anchors. Of course.
11:14pm: Peter Overton, making cock jokes. At least it beats Karl talking about his wife's arse again.
11:16pm: “Outstanding public affairs report”. Notably, ACA and Today Tonight are not nominated.
11:17pm: Four Corners abattoir story. I wish I could fake surprise right now.
11:19pm: Apologising for the content of the story changing the tone of the evening. She's got a point, I have to admit. Don't the Walkleys already cover TV news? And if the reasoning behind keeping the award is so every genre is represented, why not one for game shows? Or cooking shows? Or community television?
11:24pm: Fuck off, Richard Wilkins.
11:24pm: Tony Bennett, giving this evening a rare dose of dignity and class.
11:25pm: Get off the stage, Drysdale.
11:27pm: Esther Anderson's nominee package.
11:27pm: Georgie Parker and Don Hany, doing talented actresses. So to speak. We'll probably have to get Georgie a bit drunk first before that happens.
11:30pm: Melissa George, absent but having a costar pick up the award.
11:31pm: Are we there yet?
11:31pm: Vapid interview with Tony Bennett.
11:33pm: Shameless TV Week crosspromotion.
11:37pm: Hughesy, doing an Ministry Of Silly Walks entrance.
11:39pm: Yes, threesomes are only weird when there's more than one guy involved. SHUT UP.
11:40pm: Lifestyle program popularity contest. I swear half these shows don't actually exist.
11:41pm: Better Homes & Gardens. I'm so glad it wasn't Ready Steady Cook.
11:42pm: Wow, Johanna Griggs has stacked it on.
11:44pm: Hamish Blake nominee package, calling him a “phenomenon” and conveniently brushing over the fact that none of his shows have actually rated very well. He's like the male Jackie O. Or a less annoying Tom Williams.
11:45pm: Sigrid Thornton and John Wood, presenting drama popularity contest.
11:46pm: Packed To The Rafters.
11:47pm: Karl and Lisa, presenting light entertainment. Because they know about entertainment.
11:52pm: Spicks & Specks. I could be wrong about this, but it feels like the ABC has won more awards tonight than the commercial networks. And it's about time they got a kick in the pants, because seriously. There's been a LOT of crap this past year, and only some of it has featured men in leotards.
11:57pm: Rodger Corser and Jacki Weaver. Miniseries or TV movie. Outstanding, clearly, because miniseries/telemovie and popularity? Not often used in the same sentence, and tonight will be no different.
12:00am Monday: The Slap. Yay!
12:02am: The final sight of Richard Wilkins of this overlong telecast. It's been over four hours now. HURRY THE FUCK UP.
12:04am: Seal comparing the Logies to the Oscars, confirming TV Week does not release any incriminating photographs.
12:08am: Shaun Micallef is presenting the Gold Logie? Seems like an odd choice, given how he was received when he hosted the Logies. Next year: Wendy Harmer!
12:10am: “Karl, deserve is such an overused word”. HA!
12:11am: Hamish Blake? Really, Australia? I give up.
12:16pm: Andy looks pissed.
12:18pm: The sad thing is Hamish probably thinks this actually DOES make him president of something.
12:18pm: FUCK OFF, RICHARD WILKINS. Is he trying to start his Hall of Fame bid early?
12:19pm: One Direczzzzzzzzzzzz.
12:20pm: Do they seriously think a four-hour break is going to make us forget it's the same song they sang during the red carpet show?
12:27pm: Well, that's over. Or something. I stopped paying attention about three hours ago.
